Day 538: Still Me

"No matter what you have gone through

 and what others have put you through,

 you are still you. To embrace happiness,

 to find your passion and to love yourself,

 remember these things were never taken

 away from you. Nothing can stop you

 from rediscovering yourself. The greatest

 journey always begins within you. 

~Dodinsky, author of In The 

Garden of Thoughts~ 

It's Day 538 of Nutrisystem. This has definitely been a journey of discovery for me. I was lost for so many years. I had no purpose, no goals, no hope. My whole focus was on keeping our heads above water financially. I might have been married but it was never a partnership. I couldn't count on anyone other than myself and I struggled almost every day. After years and years of this it hasn't been easy to cast it all off. There are still things that trigger brief flashes of fear or anxiety in me. I wouldn't say my trauma rises to the level of PTSD but I have some insight into what that must be like for people who have suffered devastating or sustained trauma in their life. You can tell yourself it's over or you no longer need to be afraid, but your mind is still conditioned to expect the worst and fight or flight kicks in. As my life has gotten better a lot of that has faded away but I don't know if it will ever be completely gone. In spite of that, I feel stronger in every sense of the word today because the positives in my life far outweigh the negatives. Seeing my weight dropping inspires me every day. Seeing my debt decrease inspires me every day. Seeing my fitness improve inspires me every day. Yes, a lot was taken from me that I can never get back but I am finding more of myself every day. Despite it all, I am still me.

I finally weighed myself this morning and I'm down to 163.4 ! That's a loss of 140.6 pounds so I "only" have 13.4 to go ! That being said, my scale is doing some crazy things (weight first said 999 .. then 888) so I'm shopping for a replacement. A new battery didn't help ! When I bought the scale I needed something that would register over 300 pounds and not break the bank, so it's basically cheap junk. I'm not 100% confident in the weight it displays now so I'm a little afraid of what a new one will reveal ! I'm not going to stress over it because I can see and feel the difference in my clothes. I take a lot of photos of myself (and don't post them) so I can see the subtle changes. If those size 12 jeans were to get tight I'd know my weight was going in the wrong direction !

Breakfast was a 2.1 ounce 160 calorie cherry cheese roll and a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit strawberry cheesecake yogurt. I made my morning shake and then forgot to drink it ! Lunch was a 3.8 ounce 220 calorie pepperoni pizza melt and a chef salad. Dressing added 30 calories. Afternoon snack was a 1.3 ounce 180 calorie Jif Power Ups chewy granola bar. Dinner was a 9.2 ounce stuffed shells with roasted veggies. Evening snack was a 2.1 ounce 130 calorie carrot cupcake. Total calories for the day are 1040 and I got 64 ounces of water in. 

I rolled out of bed at 6:45 and completed a 39 minute hike in Lake Tahoe. This was a tough one so I'm glad I had part of my breakfast and a few sips of coffee first ! About a third of the workout was at 10% incline and the pace ranged from 2.1 to 3 mph. My lunchtime workout was another incline hike, this time 20 minutes in the Grand Canyon. Most of the incline was 6 or 8% and since it was only 20 minutes I got right through it. After work was a 28 minute hike in Costa Rica. There was about 5 minutes of 8 to 10% incline midway through and the pace ranged from 2.7 to 3 mph. I logged 87 minutes, 3.8 miles and 553 calories. After dinner I put in about 45 minutes on the Total Gym. Tomorrow is going to be a tough day, I have a 41 minute, 33 minute and 21 minute workout on the schedule. I'd like to get the longest one out of the way first so that means getting up at 6:30, which I'm struggling with. I'm going to prepare my water tonight and bring my exercise gear upstairs to save time. Maybe I'll just sleep on the treadmill in my exercise clothes .. lol !

After 3 days of 90 degree weather today was a shock to the system ! It was in the low 60's, cloudy and pretty breezy when I got up ! I had to dig a hoodie out of the closet because it was chilly on the front porch ! The sun came out in the afternoon but it stayed breezy and cool. Didn't need a fan except during my workouts ! The heat will be back towards the end of next week so I'm going to enjoy the break.

Two more days and it's staycation time ! That's nothing new, I never go anywhere. Mom and I will get a casino trip in so that will be fun. Tomorrow is going to be crazy busy at work and Friday will probably be hectic too. On that note I'm heading for a shower and bed.