Day 513: Everything Changes



"Life is about trusting your feelings,

 taking chances, finding happiness,

 learning from the past, and realizing

 everything changes."


It's Day 513 of Nutrisystem. Everything certainly does change. Today's quote talks about trusting your feelings and that's something I am still working on. It ties in with learning from the past because my first thought after reading this quote was that my feelings were not to be trusted. I was thinking they led me down a long road of regret, bad decisions and heartbreak, but maybe in reality I just wasn't listening. When the alarm bells rang the loudest did I stick my head in the sand or cover my ears ? I did. I didn't listen to anyone who tried to warn me when I was making those bad decisions. Instead I listened to those who didn't have my best interests in mind and kept plowing forward into disaster after disaster. I always believed things would get better, but they never did ! I've talked before about eventually shutting down my feelings completely. After all, if you can't feel anything then nothing can hurt you. Problem there is you also can't feel happiness, on the odd chance something good happens to come along. Today was a good example of being happy to be able to feel happy again. I went to look at bridal gowns with my future sister-in-law. Having lost 136 pounds, the thought of parking the car and walking a couple blocks to the shop did not lead to panic today. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect and I enjoyed that little stroll. We did find a gown that she loved but of course we will look some more before making a final decision. I won't be surprised if she comes back to today's gown because it was truly stunning. I was quite honestly honored to be asked to accompany her on this outing. It's something I've never done before and I never had the experience myself. I've been a bridesmaid 4 times but I don't recall ever going with the bride to look for her gown. My own wedding gown was ordered from JC Penney's catalog in size 26, tried on at the store when I picked it up and then never worn. I think back to that time and wonder WTF I was thinking. Believe it or not, I still have the dress. It was dry cleaned and boxed after the fire and has been sitting in my garage for the past 2 years. I've had it since 1998 or 1999 and I don't know why I haven't just thrown it away. It's not like I'm planning on wearing it. For one thing I doubt I will ever get married again and if I do, I don't see me wearing a 20+ year old size 26 gown that I intended to wear for my first wedding. Maybe throwing it away means throwing away all the dreams I had, I don't know. So I didn't get to be the beautiful bride. My dad didn't get to walk me down the aisle. I didn't get to enjoy a reception with my friends and family. There was no photographer or video. No limousine filled with bridesmaids and groomsmen. No elaborate bouquet. No tiered cake. No presents. No romantic honeymoon to Hawaii. I even paid for my own engagement ring, which I still have. When I finally did get married it was in the spur of the moment and took place before arraignments in a city of Syracuse courtroom one Saturday morning in December 2000. I wore an old dress that I must have once worn to someone's wedding. I later found the dress had a huge discoloration on one sleeve and everyone but me probably saw it that day. Our "reception" was my company Christmas party since we got married on the day of that event. Good thing I wore a different dress ! My co-workers made it a memorable day so I did feel special for a few hours. I did get a honeymoon to Italy but that's another whole story. Suffice to say it was not a fairy tale trip. Anyhow, I was happy to replace all those sad wedding memories with good wedding memories today. I'm excited for my brother and his fiancee as they embark on this new chapter in their lives. The old me would have been feeling very sad and jealous today, because someone else is getting everything I ever wanted. Oh sure, I'd have liked to be the one on that pedestal trying on beautiful gowns but what woman doesn't feel that way in that situation ? We all want to feel like a Princess ! But I don't dwell on my past disappointments anymore so it's easier for me to be happy for someone else now and I'm thrilled to be a part of the process. I may take my old disappointments out now and then and examine them, but they don't stay out for long. I'm also looking forward to "dressing up" for the wedding, so there is that !

Breakfast was a 2.8 ounce 150 calorie package of pancakes with sugar free syrup and a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit strawberry cheesecake yogurt. Morning snack was a 155 calorie chocolate shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 4 ounce 230 calorie four cheese melt with a chef salad. Dressing added 30 calories. I didn't have an afternoon snack. Dinner was a 7.5 ounce 230 calorie chicken marsala over riced cauliflower. Evening snack was a 2.1 ounce 130 calorie strawberry shortcake cupcake. Total calories are 975 and I got 64 ounces of water in.

After my bridal adventure this morning I went to Home Depot to look at patio furniture. I cannot get over how crowded they were. You'd think they were giving stuff away ! The parking lot in Cicero is a madhouse because of Starbucks traffic so you won't catch me going there again anytime soon. They had signs up not to sit on the patio furniture because of COVID so the stop was basically a waste of my time. Since I was going right by Walmart in Cicero I stopped there to grab a couple heads of lettuce and see if they had a better variety of yogurt. They did so I picked up some creme brulee and key lime flavors. Looking around the store the shelves seemed pretty close to normal. They had a TON of toilet paper and other paper products so it feels like the shortages are easing. I didn't check out the cleaning products or anything else in particular. This store was packed too so I think the limits on how many can be in a store are pretty much a joke. Maybe in more densely populated areas it would be a problem but I've yet to have to stand in line outside a store. I got home shortly after 1 but didn't get on the treadmill until after 3. The first and only workout of the day was a 20 minute walk in New Zealand with iFit guide Graham McTavish. The pace was 2.8 mph most of the way so I increased the speed to 3 mph for the duration. There was a brief burst at 4 mph at the end but my treadmill didn't change speed because I had already changed it and I forgot to hit the "follow trainer" button. I just couldn't motivate myself to do anything else for the rest of the day. This happens a lot when I'm out for part of the day so I guess it's a good thing I don't go out very often ! Tomorrow is my last day of this 9 day break so I'm not going to pressure myself to get 3 workouts and a Total Gym session in, but I'm going to try my best. 

I spent the rest of the day browsing online, so I basically did nothing. It didn't help that it got cool, cloudy and then rainy. I had to turn the heat back on to get the dampness out of the house. I hope everyone enjoyed summer .. lol ! On that note it's time for a shower and bed. 

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