Day 388: Loss
"Depression is feeling like you've lost something but having no clue when or where you last had it. Then one day you realize what you lost is yourself."
Depression is something I've experienced so this quote struck me today. I wandered through life feeling a deep sense of loss for so many years and I never knew what was missing. Turns out it was me. I was what was missing from my life. Depression hit me in 1996 and it got worse as my life got worse. Did it contribute to the poor decisions I made ? Maybe. I can look at it from 10 different angles, and they all point back to me, but I think the depression made it impossible for me to make the hard decisions I should have made. The good news for me is the depression finally started to lift in late 2017 and today there is no trace of it. I write about it now because depression is a big problem and unfortunately we do not do a good job with mental health care in this country. I had counseling and took anti-depressants but I didn't make any changes in my life, so the source of my depression was not resolved. My health plan at the time limited the number of visits it would pay for, so you were on your own when they ran out whether you were well or not. That's a prime example of an insurance company directing your care, instead of the medical profession. I basically learned to live with the depression. Not that I was living - it was more like existing. I've talked before about self-medicating and some people choose drugs or alcohol to cope but many choose food. I'm glad I was never much of a drinker and drugs were never an option so food it was ! Part of losing weight was changing my relationship with food. I eat to nourish my body now, not to soothe my soul. Food is no longer comfort and it's not the first thing I think of when life hits a bump in the road. I'm trying to redirect to exercise when I'm feeling anxious, because it takes your mind off whatever is going on and really does make you feel better. Seeing the increase in my fitness level is also a source of pride. Some of the workouts I'm doing on the treadmill now are ones I passed by before, because I didn't think I could do them. February 1st I'm going to start the Mount Kilimanjaro trekking series with Jake Norton. This is a 23 workout series and when I first reviewed the series I only found 2 workouts I felt I could do, so I skipped all the rest. Looking back at my workout history I see I did one of those two 78 times ! In the beginning I used to do the same workout every day until I felt like I could move up to something more challenging. That was months ago and I'm fitter now, so this is a challenge I've given myself. There is a ton of incline and the workouts are longer so it's not going to be easy but I'm determined to complete the series. It's a Level 3 series so it's a big step up. Every advance I make with my weight & fitness goals is another investment in me. Now that I've found myself I am determined to take care of me.
Breakfast was a 2.5 ounce 160 calorie package of buttermilk waffles with sugar free syrup and a cup of hazelnut coffee. Power fuel was a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit key lime yogurt. Morning snack was a 155 calorie vanilla shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 3.75 ounce 120 calorie veggie frittata with a chef salad. Dressing added 30 calories. I got a late start when it comes to eating today so I skipped my afternoon snack and used the excess calories at dinner. Dinner was a 9.5 ounce 260 calorie roasted turkey medallions with mashed potatoes and gravy. I had some of the stuffing I had frozen at Christmas with it. I only have a couple pieces left and I will miss this little treat ! I also had brussel sprouts. Evening snack was a 2.1 ounce 130 calorie cream filled chocolate cupcake. Total calories for the day are 935 but I'm rounding up to 1200 to account for the stuffing I had with my dinner. I did get 64 ounces of water in too !
As much as I wanted to spend the entire day sitting on the couch I pushed myself out the door and went to Walmart since there was no sign of snow. After I got home I put everything away and headed for the treadmill. The first workout of the day was #14 of 14 in the Scottish Highlands with Graham McTavish. I was truly sad to reach the end of this series because I really enjoyed it, but I will likely do it again one day. Pretty much the entire 22 minute workout was at max incline but the speed hovered around 2 mph so it was pretty manageable. After my workout I had lunch and then hopped on the Total Gym. I did a bunch of different exercises but I took my time and didn't overdo it. I definitely worked up an appetite for dinner ! After dinner I got in my second workout of the day. It was another culture walk in Istanbul with iFit guide Salih Batkin. This one was 47 minutes at a pace of 2.5 mph. It was a pretty interesting walk through a tourist area full of shops and restaurants so the time went by pretty fast. It was kind of funny to see McDonald's & Burger King, along with Starbucks, Sephora and Sunglass Hut ! Today I logged 2.6 miles, 69 minutes and 374 calories.
I picked up a couple of new seasoning blends at Walmart today. One is a garlic parmesan blend by Weber and the other is called "Everything Bagel" and is a Sam's Choice product. A lot of people on Nutrisystem rave about the bagel seasoning so I decided to try it. Both products have salt in them but Nutrisystem doesn't prohibit salt. I pretty much went without added salt for much of the past year, so I'm enjoying having a tiny bit of it on my veggies now. Truthfully I'm getting a little tired of veggies so the different seasoning blends help keep them interesting. I just have to make sure to keep up with my water to help flush out the sodium. I'm going to be taking a break from the frozen brussel sprouts once the 2 bags I have are gone. I like the fresh ones roasted in the oven so much better ! I'm not tired of green beans, carrots, broccoli or riced cauliflower so I still have plenty of veggie options. I'm also having salad 3-5 times a week and that includes peppers, celery and cucumbers. So I'm eating more veggies than I ever have ! I used to be lazy and buy the bagged salad but it didn't keep long and I was throwing out more than I was eating so now I just buy heads of lettuce. I was amazed at how much longer it keeps ! I also treated myself to some new exercise gear today since some of my leggings are pretty baggy. I also picked up some more sports bras because I found one I really like and wanted to have a few of them in reserve before they stop selling them ! Walmart is famous for here today, gone tomorrow and I don't think my upper body is going to change much more in size. It was kind of fun to get rid of the exercise gear I started with a year ago, since it's all too big !
I wrote most of this post before I learned of the death of Kobe Bryant, his young daughter and others. Such an incredibly sad tragedy. I cannot even imagine how the family and friends of the victims are feeling. Ironic that I chose to talk about depression today because this news made me so sad for them all. It brings home the fact that you really do have to live your life to the fullest while you can and hug your loved ones close every chance you get. I sincerely hope the media does not descend on the families and add to the indescribable pain they are already experiencing. I'm sure lawyers are already lining up to sue Kobe's estate on behalf of the other victims. Sad, sad, sad. Rest in peace Kobe and Gianna !
Breakfast was a 2.5 ounce 160 calorie package of buttermilk waffles with sugar free syrup and a cup of hazelnut coffee. Power fuel was a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit key lime yogurt. Morning snack was a 155 calorie vanilla shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 3.75 ounce 120 calorie veggie frittata with a chef salad. Dressing added 30 calories. I got a late start when it comes to eating today so I skipped my afternoon snack and used the excess calories at dinner. Dinner was a 9.5 ounce 260 calorie roasted turkey medallions with mashed potatoes and gravy. I had some of the stuffing I had frozen at Christmas with it. I only have a couple pieces left and I will miss this little treat ! I also had brussel sprouts. Evening snack was a 2.1 ounce 130 calorie cream filled chocolate cupcake. Total calories for the day are 935 but I'm rounding up to 1200 to account for the stuffing I had with my dinner. I did get 64 ounces of water in too !
As much as I wanted to spend the entire day sitting on the couch I pushed myself out the door and went to Walmart since there was no sign of snow. After I got home I put everything away and headed for the treadmill. The first workout of the day was #14 of 14 in the Scottish Highlands with Graham McTavish. I was truly sad to reach the end of this series because I really enjoyed it, but I will likely do it again one day. Pretty much the entire 22 minute workout was at max incline but the speed hovered around 2 mph so it was pretty manageable. After my workout I had lunch and then hopped on the Total Gym. I did a bunch of different exercises but I took my time and didn't overdo it. I definitely worked up an appetite for dinner ! After dinner I got in my second workout of the day. It was another culture walk in Istanbul with iFit guide Salih Batkin. This one was 47 minutes at a pace of 2.5 mph. It was a pretty interesting walk through a tourist area full of shops and restaurants so the time went by pretty fast. It was kind of funny to see McDonald's & Burger King, along with Starbucks, Sephora and Sunglass Hut ! Today I logged 2.6 miles, 69 minutes and 374 calories.
I picked up a couple of new seasoning blends at Walmart today. One is a garlic parmesan blend by Weber and the other is called "Everything Bagel" and is a Sam's Choice product. A lot of people on Nutrisystem rave about the bagel seasoning so I decided to try it. Both products have salt in them but Nutrisystem doesn't prohibit salt. I pretty much went without added salt for much of the past year, so I'm enjoying having a tiny bit of it on my veggies now. Truthfully I'm getting a little tired of veggies so the different seasoning blends help keep them interesting. I just have to make sure to keep up with my water to help flush out the sodium. I'm going to be taking a break from the frozen brussel sprouts once the 2 bags I have are gone. I like the fresh ones roasted in the oven so much better ! I'm not tired of green beans, carrots, broccoli or riced cauliflower so I still have plenty of veggie options. I'm also having salad 3-5 times a week and that includes peppers, celery and cucumbers. So I'm eating more veggies than I ever have ! I used to be lazy and buy the bagged salad but it didn't keep long and I was throwing out more than I was eating so now I just buy heads of lettuce. I was amazed at how much longer it keeps ! I also treated myself to some new exercise gear today since some of my leggings are pretty baggy. I also picked up some more sports bras because I found one I really like and wanted to have a few of them in reserve before they stop selling them ! Walmart is famous for here today, gone tomorrow and I don't think my upper body is going to change much more in size. It was kind of fun to get rid of the exercise gear I started with a year ago, since it's all too big !
I wrote most of this post before I learned of the death of Kobe Bryant, his young daughter and others. Such an incredibly sad tragedy. I cannot even imagine how the family and friends of the victims are feeling. Ironic that I chose to talk about depression today because this news made me so sad for them all. It brings home the fact that you really do have to live your life to the fullest while you can and hug your loved ones close every chance you get. I sincerely hope the media does not descend on the families and add to the indescribable pain they are already experiencing. I'm sure lawyers are already lining up to sue Kobe's estate on behalf of the other victims. Sad, sad, sad. Rest in peace Kobe and Gianna !
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