Day 84: Healing
“Avoiding your triggers isn’t healing. Healing happens when you’re triggered and you’re able to move through the pain, the pattern, and the story and walk your way to a different ending.”
I happened to stumble across this article today, but maybe it was put in front of me for a reason. I was diagnosed with this disorder back in 1996 and it still affects my life today.
EDIT: this article seeks to put the blame for this disorder on extreme criticism and bullying by one’s parents. This was NOT the case in my life - my parents have never been anything but loving and supportive.
It doesn’t interfere with my ability to live my life and it’s not as bad today as it was back then, so I’m not actively seeking treatment. I did see a therapist back then and I took anti-depressants for a while and it did help. I’m pretty happy with my life as it is today and I’m not as closed off as I used to be. I think being aware of these tendencies helps keep me from falling back into old habits. Although I like my solitude I enjoy spending time with family and friends much more ! I do still have an issue with feelings of rejection but like I said, I’m happy with my life.
I was actually looking for information about triggers, because there are still things that can trigger the bad memories of the past. When Alex was feeling anxious about something he would typically pick a fight with me and no matter what I said *I* was the bad guy. I guess beating me down made him feel better about himself. This same thing happened to me last night during a conversation with someone else and it did not end well. I wasn’t willing to be the outlet for the other person’s anxiety. It sounds harsh but that’s just the way it is. Did I walk my way to a different ending ? Not really, I just ended the conversation. I actually didn’t realize until later why the exchange bothered me so much. Why do I bring it up here, when I’m trying to forget the past ? Well, because it seems like the past will always be there and things will happen in your life that bring it back. The difference is I’m better equipped to handle it and move back into the present instead of dwelling on it. It’s not that I don’t care about that person who is experiencing anxiety, because I do. I’m just not going to let them project it onto me. I am no longer the dumping ground and I won’t be anyone’s punching bag ever again. Maybe if I felt better I could have let it go, I don’t know. I was insanely congested last night despite taking the Advil and I was quite tired. I should have just gone to bed after dinner. The good news is that incident is in the past and I’ve moved on. My days of holding grudges are over. There are a few people in my life who could tell you I was a champion grudge holder !
Breakfast today was a 2.1 ounce 180 calorie cinnamon roll with French vanilla coffee. My 2nd cup was hazelnut. The flavored coffees have really been a huge help in getting used to black coffee ! I also had some string cheese (100 calories) when the mid-morning hungries struck. I missed my morning snack so lunch was a 230 calorie 4 ounce meatball parmesan melt. This is a new item for me and I really liked it ! I had raw carrots and cottage cheese (80 calories) with it. I needed something sweet after lunch so I went ahead and had my 155 calorie chocolate shake with peanut butter powder. My afternoon snack was yet another variety of Sargento’s Balanced Breaks. This 180 calorie variety had white cheddar cheese, roasted almonds and dried cranberries. I like these effortless snacks ! Dinner tonight was a new frozen entree, 230 calorie 7.5 ounce chicken marsala ! I served it over the broccoli left from last night and it was very good. My evening snack is going to be a 2.2 ounce 140 calorie lemon zest cake. I did not do well with my water consumption today. I haven’t even made it through the first 32 ounces. I’ll be ending the day at about 1300 calories.
It was nice to wake up to temp’s in the 30’s today ! I didn’t have to bundle up like an eskimo to walk from the parking garage to my office ! It was in the 50’s by lunch time and I thought about going out for a walk but decided against it. There is still a chill in the air and I need to get over this cold first. I am not as sick as I was last time but I’m not taking any chances. I just hate having a stuffy nose and right now I could easily pass for Rudolph – my nose is that red and sore ! Beyond that I really sound worse than I feel. I didn’t have anything at home other than bacitracin ointment so I’ve been putting that on the sore spots around my nose. I have to tell you – it really helps ! Plain old petroleum jelly would have the same effect but I figured I’d use what I have. It’ll take me 100 years to use up an entire tube of bacitracin ! I am pretty congested again tonight so I’m headed for a hot shower, some Advil and some cough medicine. I have quite the headache and I’m sure that is just sinus pressure. I just need to get through tomorrow and then I can just rest and get over this. I filled up the gas tank tonight and grocery shopped last weekend so I am all set for a quiet weekend at home !
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