Day 353: Why
"Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering." ~Caroline Myss~
Today I'm not reflecting on the year I've had. It's more about getting over last night's events. It's nearly impossible to turn off the stream of "what if's" that run through your mind and pretty much drive you nuts. What if I left to come home a minute sooner or a minute later ? What if I hadn't stopped for gas ? What if I had driven 1 mile an hour slower or faster ? What if I had swerved less sharply ? Did I slam on the brakes too soon or too late ? It's never ending right now but I know from past experience it will subside with time. Although it was an accident I can't help blaming myself. This morning I went out to inspect my car in daylight and found there is more damage. Part of the rear spoiler is missing and the trunk lid is damaged so I must have clipped that road sign when the car spun around. I filed a claim with my insurance company (who will be thrilled, I'm sure) this morning and will hopefully get an estimate done while I'm on vacation this week. At the rate I'm going Driver's Village will be adding me to their Christmas card list !
I had such a great day yesterday too. I went over to my mom's to help her bake Christmas cookies and we had a lot of fun. Full disclosure - I ate a bunch of cookies and don't regret it at all. My mom's sugar cookies are the best on the planet ! Once the cookies were done we were both starving so we went to Point Place casino for dinner. We shared a french onion grilled cheese and french fries and spent a couple hours gambling. With the weather being clear I wasn't really concerned about the drive home. I guess the deer like to wander in the nice weather ! I keep telling myself it could have been so much worse but it doesn't really help much right now.
Yesterday (Day 352) was kind of off the charts when it comes to what I ate. Breakfast was a 2.1 ounce 160 calorie cherry cheese roll and coffee. Power fuel was a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit toasted coconut vanilla yogurt. After that all I ate was sugar cookies (7 0r 8) and half of that grilled cheese and fries. I didn't eat anything after that so I'm just recording my calories as 1200 for yesterday. I only got about 32 ounces of water in and I didn't exercise, so it was not my best day.
Today dawned bright and sunny, unlike my mood. I got a couple hours of sleep on the couch and even though I was awake at 7 am I didn't get off the couch until after 10. After a hot shower I felt a little better and after I fed the cats I had my own breakfast, a 2.1 ounce 160 calorie cherry cheese roll with coffee and a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit strawberry cheesecake yogurt. I never had my morning snack and I had "lunch" around 3 pm. It was a 4 ounce 230 calorie meatball parmesan melt with a few raw carrots and a cup of coffee. I didn't have an afternoon snack either. Dinner was a 9.5 ounce 260 calorie roasted turkey medallions with mashed potatoes and gravy. I also had green beans with it so I got my veggies in for the day. I had a much needed glass of wine too. Evening snack was a 1.8 ounce 150 calorie chocolate cupcake. Total calories for the day are 880 plus the glass of wine, which I'm estimated at 120 calories, so the real total is 1000 calories for the day, which isn't bad. I didn't drink any water, just a few cups of coffee.
I watched a couple of movies on TCM while I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself this morning. One was a Cary Grant movie I'd never seen before, Room For One More. It didn't seem like a movie I'd enjoy but I did so I'm glad I watched it. After that I discovered Syfy is showing the Harry Potter movies so that gave me something else to occupy my mind. I could sit here all day asking "why" but I'll never get an answer. Accidents happen. That is life. I can blame myself all day long and it won't change anything. While I was sitting here blaming myself and feeling sorry for myself I read a story about a car accident that happened in Tennessee Thursday night. A young soldier, home on leave, and his toddler son were hit head on by a wrong way driver and both died. The female driver that hit them was also killed. That could have been me last night. I was lucky there were no other cars around and that no one was injured. I feel sick every time I think about what could have happened.
Needless to say, today was a completely lost day. I didn't exercise. I didn't do much of anything. I dozed on the couch and watched tv. Instead of eating for comfort I really didn't feel like eating at all. I pretty much forced myself to eat. On a positive note, I'm an old pro when it comes to navigating the collision repair and rental car process, so I'm not afraid of that. We'll see how Liberty Mutual's "accident forgiveness" works, since I have that on my policy ! Despite this incident I still have so much to be grateful for, so that is what I need to focus on when the current pity party is over. As much as I don't want to go out I still need to purchase a few things for Christmas and I need to buy some groceries for myself and my mom so I'll be out tomorrow, whether I like it or not.
I may not have accomplished much today but I did set up the sound bar I bought for my tv. I had a gift card and some expiring Kohl's cash and there really wasn't anything I could think of to buy with it until I saw an ad for sound bars. I bought a relatively cheap one and it was delivered yesterday. I can definitely hear the difference in the sound so it'll be nice on the days I use the tv to play music. I guess that's my Christmas gift to myself ! I also went on a scavenger hunt and finally found my missing DVD collection. I also found a flash drive with some home movies and some VHS movies that my brother converted to mp4's for me on it. All of this was stashed in the pantry with my supply of plastic grocery bags so I had been overlooking them every time I looked for my missing DVD's ! Most of them still had soot from the fire on the cases so I spent some time cleaning them up. So although the day wasn't a total loss I didn't really get anything done that I should have, so I'll be cramming it all into tomorrow.
I never weighed myself yesterday so I'm on hiatus from the scale until January 4. As long as I am 186 or less on January 4 I'll be happy.
Since I showered this morning I don't have to tonight. I'll be heading to bed shortly so I can get myself moving early tomorrow !
I had such a great day yesterday too. I went over to my mom's to help her bake Christmas cookies and we had a lot of fun. Full disclosure - I ate a bunch of cookies and don't regret it at all. My mom's sugar cookies are the best on the planet ! Once the cookies were done we were both starving so we went to Point Place casino for dinner. We shared a french onion grilled cheese and french fries and spent a couple hours gambling. With the weather being clear I wasn't really concerned about the drive home. I guess the deer like to wander in the nice weather ! I keep telling myself it could have been so much worse but it doesn't really help much right now.
Yesterday (Day 352) was kind of off the charts when it comes to what I ate. Breakfast was a 2.1 ounce 160 calorie cherry cheese roll and coffee. Power fuel was a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit toasted coconut vanilla yogurt. After that all I ate was sugar cookies (7 0r 8) and half of that grilled cheese and fries. I didn't eat anything after that so I'm just recording my calories as 1200 for yesterday. I only got about 32 ounces of water in and I didn't exercise, so it was not my best day.
Today dawned bright and sunny, unlike my mood. I got a couple hours of sleep on the couch and even though I was awake at 7 am I didn't get off the couch until after 10. After a hot shower I felt a little better and after I fed the cats I had my own breakfast, a 2.1 ounce 160 calorie cherry cheese roll with coffee and a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit strawberry cheesecake yogurt. I never had my morning snack and I had "lunch" around 3 pm. It was a 4 ounce 230 calorie meatball parmesan melt with a few raw carrots and a cup of coffee. I didn't have an afternoon snack either. Dinner was a 9.5 ounce 260 calorie roasted turkey medallions with mashed potatoes and gravy. I also had green beans with it so I got my veggies in for the day. I had a much needed glass of wine too. Evening snack was a 1.8 ounce 150 calorie chocolate cupcake. Total calories for the day are 880 plus the glass of wine, which I'm estimated at 120 calories, so the real total is 1000 calories for the day, which isn't bad. I didn't drink any water, just a few cups of coffee.
I watched a couple of movies on TCM while I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself this morning. One was a Cary Grant movie I'd never seen before, Room For One More. It didn't seem like a movie I'd enjoy but I did so I'm glad I watched it. After that I discovered Syfy is showing the Harry Potter movies so that gave me something else to occupy my mind. I could sit here all day asking "why" but I'll never get an answer. Accidents happen. That is life. I can blame myself all day long and it won't change anything. While I was sitting here blaming myself and feeling sorry for myself I read a story about a car accident that happened in Tennessee Thursday night. A young soldier, home on leave, and his toddler son were hit head on by a wrong way driver and both died. The female driver that hit them was also killed. That could have been me last night. I was lucky there were no other cars around and that no one was injured. I feel sick every time I think about what could have happened.
Needless to say, today was a completely lost day. I didn't exercise. I didn't do much of anything. I dozed on the couch and watched tv. Instead of eating for comfort I really didn't feel like eating at all. I pretty much forced myself to eat. On a positive note, I'm an old pro when it comes to navigating the collision repair and rental car process, so I'm not afraid of that. We'll see how Liberty Mutual's "accident forgiveness" works, since I have that on my policy ! Despite this incident I still have so much to be grateful for, so that is what I need to focus on when the current pity party is over. As much as I don't want to go out I still need to purchase a few things for Christmas and I need to buy some groceries for myself and my mom so I'll be out tomorrow, whether I like it or not.
I may not have accomplished much today but I did set up the sound bar I bought for my tv. I had a gift card and some expiring Kohl's cash and there really wasn't anything I could think of to buy with it until I saw an ad for sound bars. I bought a relatively cheap one and it was delivered yesterday. I can definitely hear the difference in the sound so it'll be nice on the days I use the tv to play music. I guess that's my Christmas gift to myself ! I also went on a scavenger hunt and finally found my missing DVD collection. I also found a flash drive with some home movies and some VHS movies that my brother converted to mp4's for me on it. All of this was stashed in the pantry with my supply of plastic grocery bags so I had been overlooking them every time I looked for my missing DVD's ! Most of them still had soot from the fire on the cases so I spent some time cleaning them up. So although the day wasn't a total loss I didn't really get anything done that I should have, so I'll be cramming it all into tomorrow.
I never weighed myself yesterday so I'm on hiatus from the scale until January 4. As long as I am 186 or less on January 4 I'll be happy.
Since I showered this morning I don't have to tonight. I'll be heading to bed shortly so I can get myself moving early tomorrow !
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