Day 301 : Do What's Best

“It’s important to do what’s best for you, whether people approve of it or not. This is your life. You know what’s good for you and remember, self-love takes strength.”

I chose this quote today for a lot of reasons. Until 1997 my life was pretty unremarkable. Pretty boring. Pretty lonely. I wasn’t alone from 1997 to 2014 but I felt pretty isolated. They were not the best years of my life. Little by little any sense of self I had was destroyed. I put my faith in the wrong person and I’ve lived to regret that decision. I lived, but I wasn’t living, even after the source of my pain was gone. It took the fire in 2017 to start a chain of events that led me to where I am today. I guess you could say I’m pretty stubborn. I had to learn a lot of lessons the hard way. I will never stop being grateful for that fire and even being hit by a car 2 months later. It sounds crazy, I know, but it saved me. Since I wasn’t home I could have lost all 5 of my cats. I also could have lost all of my personal possessions, as many people do. My house could have burned to the ground. But all of my cats survived. Although I’ve since lost 3 of them, all of them were able to come back home. The personal possessions that meant the most to me were safe. The structure of the house was sound and it's beautiful today. So I feel like the fire was a gift ... intended to rewind the clock on my life and give me a chance to live again. Everything associated with the bad times was swept away and replaced with new. Getting hit by a car reminded me how fragile life is and how quickly it can be taken. When the fire happened my family surrounded me with their love and support. Ditto the day I was hit by the car. My brother took the day off from work to come to the hospital. My older sister came and brought my mom. My younger sister met us later in the day after I’d been released. After so many years of feeling like no one cared it was a little overwhelming. They’d have been there more me for me while I battled leukemia, but I didn’t let them in. It was me against the world for a long time. You sink so deep into being a victim that nothing registers, so when you do start to feel again it can be hard to process. The doctor that set my arm commented I was a strong woman, since I didn’t scream my head off. Little did he know. While it was the most excruciating pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life, I’d been hiding my pain for a long time. The nurse was surprised to find my cast was done as she “hadn’t heard any yelling”. That explains why she disappeared when the doctor showed up. Sorry to disappoint ! Anyhow, for all those years I really didn’t know what was good for me, as evidenced by the decisions I made, but I feel like I’m on a better track today. Losing weight is good for me. Getting physically and financially fit is good for me. Accepting what is past and looking at the road in front of me is good for me. No one is questioning the decisions I’m making today. Self-love definitely requires strength, because I wasn’t going to love myself until I could look in the mirror and be happy with what I saw. I might spend too much time in front of the mirror right now, but I’m catching up on 22 years of avoiding it. I marvel at stupid little things like the fact that I can feel my knee caps and see my collar bones. It’s not like they weren’t always there ! Who else looks for opportunities to sit with their legs crossed and hopes their shoes look cute ? It makes me sound vapid and conceited but it’s not about that. It’s about the fact that this is all new for me. It’s ironic, I saw a photo of myself from the mid-70’s and I didn’t appear to be fat. I don’t remember ever not being fat and was surprised by that photo, just as I was surprised by the photo that started me on this journey to wellness, Two photos, opposite ends of the spectrum ! I’ve been given this amazing opportunity to enjoy my life again and I would be remiss if I didn’t take full advantage of it. I’ve finally realized that what I was missing most in life was myself.

Breakfast was a 2.1 ounce 160 calorie cherry cheese roll with brown sugar crumble coffee. Second cup for the road was macadamia cookie. Power fuel was 100 calorie string cheese. Morning snack was a 155 calories vanilla shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 4 ounce 230 calorie meatball parmesan melt with raw carrots. Afternoon snack was 2.5 cups of Skinny Pop popcorn (100 calories) and a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit caramel apple pie yogurt. This left 375 calories for dinner and an evening snack. I was out for dinner and probably went over my calories, but I'm not going to stress over it. I had half of a "french onion grilled cheese" but I opted not to dip it in the beef broth because of the sodium. I also had a few french fries with ketchup. I needed something sweet when I got home so my evening snack was a 3.4 ounce 90 calorie orange cream bar. I'm recording my calories as 1200 for today. I did get 64 ounces of water in.

Although it was gray and rainy I went out during my lunch hour to put gas in the car. This has become my Thursday ritual and I'm loving it ! After work I zipped over to my mom's and we went to Point Place casino for the above mentioned dinner and some fun at the slots. I had a good night for a change, mom not so much but we had fun. I thought there would be a lot of people there since it was Halloween but it was not that crowded and a Halloween theme was not apparent, so that was a disappointment. It was raining when we were ready to leave so I sprinted to the car ... and didn't die ! I wasn't even out of breath and I had parked a good distance away. I still don't think I'll ever be a jogger but I guess I can run if I need too ! I call that a non-scale victory ! The drive home was no fun because it was raining pretty hard and with little traffic the roads were pretty dark. About 5 seconds after I closed the garage door the skies opened up and the wind was roaring, so I got home just in the nick of time ! The road hazard signs along 81 were all flashing with high wind warnings so I'm glad I got home before they arrived. As usual I checked the basement to make sure the sump pump was doing it's job (it is) and also made sure my flashlight is handy.

Tomorrow is a work at home day so I'm headed for a very late shower and then bed.