Day 298: Living Out Loud

"I believe that living out loud and not letting fear hold you back is the key to the fullest, most rewarding life possible." ~Robert Biswas-Diener~

I'm definitely living my life out loud these days. Sharing this blog is part of that. For so many years I lived a life that was a complete lie. No one knew just how awful my marriage was. No one knew what terrible shape my home was in. No one knew I was staggering under a mountain of debt. I worked very hard to keep all of that hidden. I lived with fear every single day. Fear that someone would find out just how bad things were. No one knew I ran home from work at 5 pm and spent the evening hiding in my bedroom eating sweets. I could not wait to feed my pets and my husband and then escape upstairs. I'd close my bedroom door, climb into bed and spend the evening with my computer and those sweets. They were my friends and they brought me comfort. With all that behind me I can't help but share the journey I'm on now. My newfound happiness, climbing up out of the depths of despair. For all those years I had nothing real to share. I wasn't proud of anything going on in my life. I wasn't achieving anything, because I had no goals. I've said it before, I was in survival mode. I would read all the great things other people were doing. I'd look at the photos of their beautiful homes or families, read about their vacation experiences  or outings with friends and wish that my life wasn't so miserable. I don't have the most beautiful home and I don't have a significant other or children and I haven't been on a vacation in many years .... but I am happy. I have a home I love and am working on continuing to improve. I have a family who loves me and God willing, I will get that vacation next year. Some people have questioned why I share so much. I say, why not ? If I inspire ONE person to make a positive change in their life it is all worth it. Doesn't matter what it is and I don't need to know about it. If I help ONE person make it through another miserable day it is enough. I can't guarantee things will change but I can give you hope.

Breakfast was a 2 ounce 160 calorie honey wheat bagel that I toasted and sprayed with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. The bottle claims it is zero calories. I had a cup of hazel nut coffee with it. Second cup was brown sugar crumble and my power fuel was a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit strawberry cheesecake yogurt. Morning snack was a 155 calorie chocolate shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 3.8 ounce 210 calorie chicken mozzarella melt and a large chef salad. Dressing added 30 calories. Afternoon snack was a fresh apple (95 calories) and a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit caramel apple pie yogurt. This left 390 calories for dinner and an evening snack. Dinner was an 8.2 ounce 270 calorie black bean and polenta chicken enchilada with brussel sprouts. This is a once in a while entree because it's pretty high in calories, but it's really delicious ! I treated myself to a little salt on the brussel sprouts since it's early in the week. I avoid the salt shaker most of the time because I get enough sodium in the food I eat and too much causes fluid retention. Evening snack was a 1.9 ounce 120 calorie tiramisu. Total calories are 1200 and I got 64 ounces of water in.

Today was a typical fall day but a bit warmer while the sun was out. It was nice to be warm and cozy in my home office. I got another Alaska workout in during lunch. This was a 30 minute steady state walk that goes to maximum incline at about the 7 minute mark. My treadmill only goes to 10% incline but maximum for this workout was 35%, which is geared towards NordicTrack or other much more expensive equipment. I just discovered that Pro-Form (my treadmill), NordicTrack and iFit are all owned by the same company, Icon Health & Fitnesss ! Anyhow, since the incline was intended to be much higher the speed was only 1 mph. This was way too slow for me so I increased my speed to about 1.8 mph. At that speed I felt like I was working a bit harder. After work I did yet another Alaska workout, this one was a 37 minute recovery walk with a speed of 2.8 mph for most of it. It had some brief stretches of incline but most of it was in the 5-6% range. I sped up to 3.1 mph the last couple of minutes to get a little bit of a harder workout. I enjoyed this one much more than the lunch workout even though it was longer. It was a great start to the week ... 2 miles, 1.02 hours and 413 calories burned ! I've turned a corner with working out. Most weekdays I do not have to force myself onto the treadmill and I think it's because I've tried some workouts I didn't think I could do, only to find I could, and I've let go of some I know I'd never be able to do. So that's given me some new confidence and it's yet another goal I'm working towards improving. My walking speed still maxes out at about 3.4 mph and I don't think that will ever change. Anything faster than that becomes a jog and I'll never be a jogger. Trust me, I'm getting plenty of cardio with what I'm doing now ! I still have to make a decision regarding strength training. My goal right now is to get started on that Thanksgiving week, since I'll be on vacation. So I need to decide and get something purchased and put together in the next month.

After dinner I put the trash out and put my car back in the garage. It was rather heavenly on that brand new blacktop ! I put the tape back across the end of the driveway to keep people off it for another day. I'm on the end of my street so a lot of people use my driveway to turn around. It felt good to settle on the couch at 6:45 with the rest of the evening ahead of me. I watched the last movie in the Harry Potter series and enjoyed a cup of coffee and my evening snack. Next is a shower and bed.