Day 297: Incredible Change

"Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over, instead of craving control over what you don't." ~Steve Maraboli~

Control. It can be a double edged sword. For many years I felt like I had zero control over my life and it was spinning out of control. At the same time, I had no control over what I was eating. I ate for comfort and packed on the pounds. Chips, cookies, candy, fast food, take out food, pizza, ice cream, sugary drinks .. they were my friends. It was just an escape. I could have changed some of the things going on in my life but it would have required making some hard decisions that I wasn't willing to make at the time. Those decisions were taken out of my hands in 2014 but I continued to eat for comfort, stuck in the past. Change didn't come until the fire in 2017. Incredible change was on the way, but it wasn't because of anything I did. I do believe there was Divine Intervention and it was the push I needed to finally step up and take control of my life. That fire swept away everything that was holding me back. It was the fresh start of all fresh starts ! While I was living in a temporary home in 2017 I made a halfhearted effort to lose some weight but it was short lived, derailed by a broken wrist and lack of a structured plan. Instead of dusting myself off and continuing, I used the broken wrist as an excuse to give up on my exercise program and went right back to eating whatever I wanted. It was still pretty easy to bring back my old "why bother" and "poor me" victim mentality. The few pounds I had lost piled right back on with a few more. Things got worse when I moved back into my house. I was deliriously happy with my new home and furnishings and back then food was my friend. So who better to share my happiness with ? I fell back into my old habits pretty quickly and got bigger every day. For the first time in my life, I started to take back control on 12/29/18 when I decided to try Nutrisystem. My weight was something I had the power to change. I'd always had the power but lacked motivation. I don't really know what changed on that fateful day. I know I was tired of being tired. I was tired of being so fat. I was tired of hating the way I looked. I knew my weight was going to lead to health troubles as I aged. I was already on the road to diabetes, and heart disease and joint issues were a given. This was a road I didn't want to go down and I knew it was up to me to change it. I can't say it's been easy but it certainly hasn't been that difficult to get the weight off. It's required hard work and commitment. Do I sometimes miss all the junk I used to eat ? I do - but I don't miss the way it used to make me feel. Last night I stood in line with my mom at Opal's in Turning Stone casino. They sell baked goods, candy and fudge. I was hungry at the time and of course everything looked and smelled delicious. You could just smell the sugar in the air ! I thought back to this time last year when I bought a pound of fudge at a different place and every night I would lie in bed and have a slice of that sugary goodness, until every crumb was gone. But don't worry, I had bags of other candy on hand to take it's place ! My mom wouldn't have said a word if I chose to buy something for myself last night, but I pretty easily resisted the urge. Even hungrier when I got home, I had a chef salad and a Nutrisystem dessert before I went to bed. I feel like I finally have a healthy control over much of my life. That feeling of running downhill without being able to stop has gone, replaced by the ability to address life's little curve balls head on as they come along, instead of ignoring them and hoping they'll go away. What's ironic is that since I started on this journey my 2 go-to retailers have folded, Payless Shoes and Avenue. I always needed wide width shoes and Payless was the only place I could try on and buy locally. I started buying Avenue plus size clothing online a few years ago after Fashion Bug went out of business, but only started visiting their retail store in 2016. Now the retail stores are gone and Avenue is only selling online. For many years I have believed things happen for a reason and that is still true today ! I can now buy shoes locally at Kohl's (non wide width!) and my clothing options have expanded significantly thanks to the amazing selection (and prices!) at Boscov's. On my last shopping trip I found I no longer needed Plus Size tops. That was an amazing feeling ! It's been almost 10 months since I started and it's been an amazing odyssey, that isn't over ! I still want to lose at least another 50 pounds and I have a long way to go when it comes to being physically fit, but I know I can do it !

Breakfast was a 150 calorie blueberry muffin with macadamia cookie coffee and a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit tiramisu yogurt. Morning snack was a 155 calorie vanilla shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 4 ounce 220 calorie spinach and cheese pretzel melt with a chef salad. Dressing added 30 calories. I never got around to having an afternoon snack so dinner was a 4.7 ounce 290 calorie meatloaf sandwich that I dressed with a little barbecue sauce. The barbecue sauce added about 70 calories and was a rare "extra" I allowed myself. I also had steamed green beans. I don't order the meatloaf sandwich anymore because of the high calories. I was able to have one today only because I didn't have my afternoon snack. I have one left in the freezer and then I'll be done with them. At that point the remaining barbecue sauce will go in the trash. Evening snack was a 1.8 ounce 140 calorie butterscotch cake with a cup of maple pecan coffee. Total calories for the day are 1135 and I only got 32 ounces of water in.

Today was such a lazy day. I woke up early but went back to sleep and didn't get up until after 10. I'm so mad at myself for doing that because it always results in a lazy, lost day. I finally pushed myself off the couch at 5 pm and went to Walmart. Picked up a new nightgown in size Large .. no more 3x or 4x for me ! I could have bought a Medium but I like to have a little room in them. Fridge and freezer are now restocked with veggies, salad greens and yogurt, so I'm good for another week ! It's still weird to go to the grocery store and not buy any junk food or sweets. They still have my favorite cookies in the racks right next to the door. Holiday flavor coffee creamers are out already. I will miss the peppermint mocha in my coffee this winter. No more Hershey bars or Caramello bars. No more Haagen Dazs. Whenever I grocery shop I think about the fact that I used to put all of these things and more in my cart. I don't know what changed that allowed me to put all that behind me, but I'm pretty grateful for it. I got a workout in after I put the groceries away. I did another of the Alaska hikes but the trainer had crossed into British Columbia. I never really realized they were connected by land. The workout was about 30 minutes and felt like a mix of steady state and intervals. The warm up was at 2.6 mph but after that the speed popped up to 3 mph with 3.2 mph pushes. Incline was minimal, ranging from 2 to 8, but the pace was definitely a challenge. I'm also not happy that I didn't get 2 workouts in today. It's not like I didn't have time. I guess maybe I just need a day to goof off once in a while ! I've had worse days and tomorrow starts a new week. I put 13 miles on the treadmill this week and burned 2,191 calories in the almost 5 hours I spent on it, so I'm proud of that !

Next up is a shower and bed. Tomorrow is a work at home day AND I get to put my car back in the garage ! It's rained the past 2 days and she's pretty sad sitting out there getting poured on.