Day 281: Gratitude

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude." ~Denis Waitley~

As I was waiting for my coffee to finish brewing this morning I was watching the wisps of steam from my boiler exhaust float past the kitchen window. Gratitude immediately came to mind because this will be the second winter I have an energy efficient heating system that actually keeps the house warm. When I first bought this house the heat worked fine but the upstairs had no duct work and tended to always be cold. I relied on an electric blanket and a space heater to keep warm at night. The windows were also old and drafty so that didn't help. I was able to replace all the windows back in 2009 when I had the roof done, but a few years ago (after a basement flood) the blower on the heating system failed and I couldn't afford to get it fixed. So we lived with heat that circulated via gravity. As you can imagine, that didn't work very well and my winter heating bills were astronomical. The thermostat would be set at 80 degrees and I was lucky if the house was at 65 degrees. It didn't help that none of the walls were insulated. I had to rely on credit cards to make ends meet during the winter, just so I could keep the utility bill paid. After the fire the downstairs was gutted so they insulated the walls before putting up sheet rock. I also have a new hot water heating system with registers in every room ! Last winter I had some issues because the heating zones were not quite right, but that has been fixed and I can already tell the difference. So it was nice to stand in my kitchen this morning knowing I would be warm and not have $400 heating bills again. I felt so much gratitude (mixed with a lot of relief) in that moment. My point is, no matter what life throws at me I find there is always something to be thankful for. I've had my share of troubles and it's made me that much more appreciative of what I have today. It's not much, but it's mine and I'm happy. It's enough. For many years I felt like I had nothing and never would. I was never complete. I was not happy. I wanted so much. Today I can honestly say there is nothing I want or need. I'm grateful to still have my job and be able to afford the monthly costs associated with Nutrisystem. It's the only reason I've been able to lose 100 pounds. I actually think all those years I wanted "things" it was because I was just desperately unhappy. I felt like "things" would make me happy. Guess what ? They don't. Happiness comes in other ways. Having "things" may lead you to believe you're happy but it's an illusion. Happiness is hard to describe and I think it's unique in each of us. I've realized I don't need "things" to make me happy. Losing the weight and working on my fitness is what's making me happy today. Those personal achievements are what make me happy. These are "things" I'm working hard for ! Realizing that I am worth every penny I'm spending for Nutrisystem is priceless. Yes, I've gone a little overboard buying new clothes and yes, they do make me happy, but it's been over 20 years since I was happy about what I see in the mirror and I've never been able to buy a medium ! I also wore the same faded and ragged clothes with $10 Walmart sneakers for an embarrassing number of years, so I'll cut myself a break on that. I also take a lot more pictures of myself these days and it's not about shopping for praise or "likes". Again it's about the fact that I've avoided the camera for 20+ years because I didn't like what I saw. Some days I feel a little guilty about being so happy now, because I know others are struggling in aspects of their own lives. I know how that feels. I know it's hard to be happy for someone else when you're struggling - I lived that for more years than I care to remember. I pasted on the happy face every day, even if I was dying inside. Last night I was reading a story about domestic abuse and the impact it has on work productivity. There were many days I didn't go to work because of what was happening at home. At one time our only car had a standard transmission and I couldn't drive it, so if Alex refused to drive me to work I had no way to get there. Once his health troubles started and we found ourselves stranded because of that car I was able to trade it in for an automatic and never had that particular issue again. Many vacation days were wasted because I couldn't risk losing my job due to poor attendance. There were also many days I was present at work but unable to function. There were also days I didn't want to leave work because I knew what was waiting for me at home. It's pretty much a miracle that I'm still here. So I have to think about those things when I'm bubbling over with happiness. It assuages the guilt I feel and reminds me that I'm entitled to be happy. I work hard and I've worked hard to rebuild my life and lose the weight, so I'm reaping the rewards of that. I will still always remember where I came from and be grateful for every blessing that comes into my life.

Breakfast was a 1.6 ounce 150 calorie cinnamon raisin bagel with fat free cream cheese and a cup of brown sugar crumble coffee. Funny story about the bagel: it had a grand total of *2* raisins in it and both of them fell out when I sliced the bagel for the toaster ! Not ashamed to admit I grabbed those babies off the paper towel and ate both of them ! LOL !! The cream cheese added about 15 calories. Breakfast power fuel was a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit tiramisu yogurt. Second cup of coffee was hazelnut. Morning snack was a 155 calorie vanilla shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 3.7 ounce 200 calorie grilled chicken sandwich that I dressed with buffalo sauce and served with a chef salad. Dressing added 30 calories. Afternoon snack was 2.5 cups of Skinny Pop popcorn (100 calories) and a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit caramel apple pie yogurt. This left 390 calories for dinner and an evening snack. Dinner was a new item for me and I'll be ordering more of them ! It was a 9.2 ounce 240 calorie stuffed shells. They were delicious and there was plenty of a really tasty tomato sauce in the package. I sprinkled on a little romano cheese and devoured every bite ! I also had a big bowl of steamed broccoli. I enjoyed that dinner so much I had to have a nice hot cup of Green Mountain coffee afterwards.  Evening snack was a 2.2 ounce 140 calorie lemon zest cake. Total calories for the day are 1190 and I got 64 ounces of water in.

Today was yet another beautiful fall day. It was chilly this morning but warmed up enough by noon that I was able to open the front door and let the cats out onto the porch. I got a short workout in during lunch and I never gave it a second thought, so it seems like earlier in the day is best for me. After work I hopped back on the treadmill for round 2 ! I chose a 40 minute endurance workout with a 3 mph pace most of the way. It had some incline and about 25 minutes in I did have to step on the rails for about a minute to catch my breath. I wanted to stop completely but I got back on and finished. After last night's cheeseburger and fries there was going to be no excuse for not pushing through it to the end ! Once I got past the 30 minute mark I was actually enjoying the pace ! I think working out before dinner is a winner, because it keeps me off the couch !

This weekend I'm going to work on winterizing the house while the weather is still nice. I took the screen out of the screen door and put in the storm window that came with it today. It took a while to get it, but Paul Davis really went out of their way to get me a door that will last for years to come. Swapping the screen and the window was a matter of loosening and tightening 4 screws. I'd have been happy with a screened wood frame and 2 plexiglass panels. What I got was a custom made door with sturdy removable screens and glass panes. I have some work to do on the door that leads from the laundry room to the garage too, as that was drafty last winter. A can of expanding foam insulation and some weather stripping will solve that. I'm working on getting all these little things done before it gets too cold. I may even throw up the Christmas lights I bought for the porch last year and never used. Being 100 pounds lighter means these little things don't seem like such huge exhausting projects ! 

Another week is done and I'm looking forward to a productive but relaxing weekend. I do need to go to the grocery store for salad fixings and frozen veggies, but that's about all I need. I'll probably do the shopping tomorrow and get the mail while I'm out. Time now for a little tv and then it's a shower and bed. I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow !