Day 209: Self-Acceptance

"Self-acceptance comes from meeting life's challenges vigorously. Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory."     ~J. Donald Walters~

I could have used this quote a few years back ! I did all of the things it tells you not to. I numbed myself. I built staggering mental walls. I tried to escape or ignore my problems. I lived in denial. There was no peace to be had. The thing is, it's not something you do deliberately. It sort of happens over time as you're less and less able to cope with the direction your life has taken. So, as I've said before, all these "feel good" quotes are great when you've already come through the storm and righted your ship. When you're fighting to hold on you'd probably lose your mind if someone shared this with you. Think of it as giving someone a teaspoon to bail that sinking ship. They don't help. I don't know that anyone could have reached me while I was standing on that razor thin edge. I had to pull myself off the precipice and start the healing process when I was ready. No one could do that for me. Mr. Walters was right though. You do find peace by confronting your problems courageously, but that courage is not always easy to find. There were times I would address an issue I had been avoiding, and then tell myself how stupid I was not to take care of it sooner when it turned out okay. The problem there is I should have given myself credit for doing it. Today I am less likely to ignore something until it explodes, but it's something I still have to consciously work at. You can't flip a switch and turn off all of the defense mechanisms your mind created over the years. What you can do is rely on them less frequently. Back in 2014, not long after Alex died, I had the same type of tire issue on the car I had at the time, and I agonized over what to do for days. I visited a gas station several times to put air in the tire. The car had over 100,000 miles on it, the tires were aging .. and I was broke. I never bothered to ask anyone in my family for advice, because in my mind I was still alone and on my own. So I finally decided I needed a new tire. The first place I went didn't have one to fit my vehicle, so I went to the Walmart in Cicero. The guy there asked me why I needed a new tire and when I told him he laughed and said "you don't need a tire, you just need a flat repair". I had no clue .. I'd have bought a new tire instead of paying $10 for a repair. That experience made it so much easier to deal with the issue on my current car, because I'd been through it before and knew what to do. I also didn't have to worry about being able to pay for it, even if I ended up needing a new tire. I still tend to be fearful of things I haven't experienced - I went through that on Saturday because I was driving to an unfamiliar place that involved travel on many rural roads. My biggest fear was having to drive in the dark and encountering wildlife. When you're driving alone there is nothing darker or scarier than a country road at night. In the end my navigation was pretty spot on and easy to follow and I was home before dark. So, although the anxiety I built up was all for nothing it didn't keep me from going and having a great time. I'm still an imperfect work in progress but I'll never stop trying.

Breakfast was a 2.1 ounce 180 calorie cinnamon roll with butter toffee coffee. It was delicious ! Second cup was French vanilla. Morning snack was a 155 calorie vanilla shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 4 ounce 220 calorie spinach and cheese melt with raw carrots. Afternoon snack was 1/2 cup cottage cheese (80 calories) and a 0.65 ounce 100 calorie bag of Skinny Pop popcorn. This left 465 calories for dinner and an evening snack. Dinner was going to be another stuffed chicken breast but I had a bowl of riced cauliflower I needed to use, so I had a 8.5 ounce 250 calorie chicken & vegetable stir-fry with the riced cauliflower mixed in. Evening snack was another 1.9 ounce 120 calorie tiramisu. Total calories for the day are 1105 and I got about 80 ounces of water in.

No excuses to avoid a workout tonight and it always seems easier after a day off. It also helped that the humidity is gone and it was about 10 degrees cooler today. When I need inspiration to exercise I look back at the pictures I posted on Facebook back in September 2017, when I made somewhat of an effort to eat a little healthier and use the treadmill at the house I was renting. Those photos really show me how huge I was. I started at 20 minutes and worked up to 90 minutes per day .. then got hit by a car and broke my wrist. That was the end of the treadmill and any attempt at dieting. I went right back to my old friend food for comfort. I tried starting again on 01-01-18 but I never got back into the same routine and by May I was back in my own home and didn't have a treadmill for a while. I stayed with my old eating habits and put back on every pound I had lost, along with a few extra ! Once I did get a treadmill it sat there for a while. I didn't actually start using until shortly after I started Nutrisystem, so it sat unused for a good 6 months. I look at those old photos and feel so good when I look at recent ones. I still have a long way to go but I'm really happy with my progress. Looking through my photos I was thinking about the day my first shipment came from Nutrisystem. I was so excited ! I finally had a plan and I wanted it to work so badly. I needed it to be a miracle and it delivered ! That first week wasn't easy but I got through it and here I am at 209 days, over 82 pounds gone forever and still going strong. Today I noticed how badly my jeans are bagging so it's going to be time to step down a couple sizes again soon. I do have a pair of size 16's I haven't worn yet. They were pretty snug when I bought them but it may be time to give them a shot. Right now I'm wearing bottoms in 3 different sizes and tops in 2 different sizes ! 

It took me a while to get to sleep last night since I hadn't exercised and therefore wasn't quite as tired as I usually am. As a result it took a little extra effort to eject myself from bed this morning ! I don't think I'll have that issue tonight. I'll be heading upstairs to shower in a few minutes and then it's off to dreamland.

Today was a beautiful weather day ! Temps were a good 10 degrees cooler and once the clouds cleared it was a nice sunny afternoon. I was tempted to go sit outside after dinner but I knew if I did that I'd use it as an excuse to avoid the treadmill. Plenty of time to sit out there this weekend !