Day 204: Own It

"You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness." ~Brene Brown~

This quote isn't exactly the topic I had in mind today but I kept going back to it as I scrolled through many other inspirational quotes. I'm a big proponent of ownership. Too often I encounter the "not me" mentality and it can be pretty irritating. When it comes to my own life I own every single bit of it, the good and the bad. I may have been powerless to step away from an abusive marriage but I can admit I wasn't perfect either. I may have been powerless to keep my weight from ballooning but I can admit I am responsible for everything I ate and my lack of exercise. I do walk inside my story and I do own it. Each of us has a unique story to tell and despite the horrors of mine I know it's not the worst. I feel fortunate every day to still be here and to be happy and healthy. I'm finding my worth every day - there'll be no hustling to find it. I own the story of my weight too. In retrospect, letting myself gain all this weight only hurt me - no one else. Shedding it is doing wonders for my outlook because I feel like I'm back in control of me. I'm not letting outside influences dictate how I live my life. Believe me, when the announcement of my office closing came on January 7 it was hard not to turn to food to cope. I've always said that things happen for a reason, so I believe there was a little Divine Intervention that helped me make the decision on 12-29-18 to give Nutrisystem a try. I don't know that I'd have taken that step after January 7. In the end things have worked out (for me) and I remain employed. With the 80 pound mark approaching (maybe tomorrow !) I couldn't be happier. It hasn't been easy but it hasn't been that difficult either. ALL of the issues that were weighing me down have been cleared away so I've been able to put all of my effort into making this work. It hasn't been without it's obstacles, but I'm better able to go around them .. or go right over the top of them ! August is approaching fast and that month brings a whole lot of milestones. 2 years since the fire on 8-8. My dad would have been 80 on 8-19. He's been gone 7.5 years. The anniversary of Alex's passing on 8-26. It'll be 5 years. My birthday on 8-31. The whole month won't be awful though, I'll be going to the NYS Fair on 8-23 with my older sister. We always have a great time, although this year it won't be about the food for me ! I also have the first week of September off so I'll be looking forward to that. I have to purposely choose to focus on the positives because in the past I let the negatives run my life. I may not have control of everything that life throws at me but I do have control of how I react to it.

Breakfast was a 2.1 ounce cherry cheese roll with Green Mountain Breakfast Blend coffee. Second cup was hazelnut. Morning snack was a 155 calorie chocolate shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 4 ounce 220 calorie spinach and cheese pretzel wrap with raw carrots. Afternoon snack was 3/4 cup of yogurt (90 calories) and a snack cup of mandarin oranges (80 calories). This left 495 calories for dinner and an evening snack. Dinner was a 4 ounce 180 calorie artichoke and spinach stuffed chicken breast. I had a big bowl of steamed broccoli with it. I also had a 12 ounce 95 calorie Michelob Ultra beer before dinner. My evening snack was a 1.8 ounce 150 calorie chocolate cupcake. Total calories for the day are 1130 and I got 96 ounces of water in today.

It was another beautiful summer day ! I almost wore shorts to work but 34 years of habits are hard to break, so I settled for leggings and a t-shirt. That's about as casual as I can get on a work day. It was so nice out when I got home I decided to grab a beer and sit outside. While I sat there I discovered I can cross my legs again ! I cannot tell you the last time I could do that but I can tell you it's been over 20 years. 2 rabbits were enjoying the yard as well. The little one on the left desperately tried to make friends with the other one but it wanted nothing to do with him or her. I ended up eating dinner out there too. It was 8 pm by the time I came inside.  

POST CONTINUES BELOW THESE PHOTOS

I sat on the couch for a little while getting some driving directions together and got interested in watching "The Women" on TCM. I've seen the movie several times but I enjoy it every time it's on. I finally pushed myself off the couch around 9:40 and got on the treadmill. I did not think I was going to be able to last the entire workout, but I did. 

Our little ladies dinner tomorrow has grown from 4 to 7 as both of my nieces, my brother's girlfriend, both of my sisters and my mother are coming now ! I'm driving out to Cross Lake to pick up my brother's girlfriend and then continuing on to Skaneateles ! I don't mind driving but I am always nervous about driving somewhere I've never been before. I've been out to Cross Lake so it's only the stretch from there to the restaurant that worries me. I printed out directions and added the sites to my phone so I can use Google Maps to navigate. 

I'm about ready to call it a day. Time for a warm shower and my bed. It's been a long but wonderful day !