Day 176: Acceptance

"Acceptance is not about liking a situation. It is about acknowledging all that has been lost and learning to live with that loss."

About 10 this morning a sudden silence descended in the office as the associates finished their goodbyes, dried their tears and departed for the last time. I was kind of glad they didn't expect them to "work" today, let alone sit there all day. I feel like that would have added even more pain to an already difficult day. Today we arrived at a crossroads none of us wanted, forced onto a path we didn't choose. Many tears were shed and many hugs were exchanged. Good wishes were offered and reciprocated. Surprisingly enough, there was also a lot of laughter mixed with those tears, as memories of the "good old days" were exchanged. Being shy, my norm is to hide out in my office but today I couldn't do that. I had to get out there and give those hugs and wish these people well. They deserved that and I didn't want to let go of them ! There was little else I could do and acceptance is not going to be easy for anyone. Many are still standing at the crossroads, wondering which path to take next. I can only hope that life has better things in store for each and every one of these amazing people, who deserve so much more than this. 

This was not only the longest day of my career, it was the most painful. It felt like a death .. the death of a family I've known for over 34 years. I remember the devastation I felt back on January 7th when the announcement was made. I'm one of the lucky ones now, but who knows how long that will last. I fully expect more cuts to be made so nothing is for sure. I can't count on being in this job until I'm ready to retire. So I will continue doing the best possible job I can and try not to let the uncertainty get me down. I will continue on the path I put myself on and we'll see where it goes. I made a few more social media connections today and I'm really looking forward to hearing the "good news" stories as people embark on their new path. Maybe next year we'll have a reunion and be able to share some happy times ! 

Breakfast today was a 2.1 ounce cinnamon roll with triple chocolate coffee. Second cup was toasted marshmallow mocha. Morning snack was a 155 calorie vanilla shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 4 ounce 220 calorie spinach & cheese pretzel melt with raw carrots. Afternoon snack was 1/2 cup of cottage cheese (80 calories) and a 0.65 ounce bag of Skinny Pop popcorn. I pretty much had to force myself to eat today and what I ate just sat in my stomach like a big pile of rocks. Dinner was a 4.7 ounce 290 calorie meatloaf sandwich. I had a chef salad with it. My evening snack was a 1.8 ounce 140 calorie butterscotch cake. I thought about having a glass of wine with it but that would have meant more calories, so I settled for a cup of caramel vanilla cream coffee. It might keep me awake but I don't think sleep will come easy tonight. Tomorrow is Saturday, so who cares ? Total calories for the day are 1165 and I got all 64 ounces of water in.

Today was a day I'd have liked to indulge in my old comfort foods, but I've worked too hard to change my habits and get some of the weight off. I still have a long way to go and defaulting to food for comfort would just leave me angry and disappointed in myself. Instead I will remember all of the folks I worked with who told me how great I look and to keep up the good work. I told them I would and I intend to keep that promise. Although I changed into exercise gear when I got home I just couldn't gather the energy needed to get on the treadmill, so I gave myself the night off. I'll be back at it tomorrow.

I was so glad to get home tonight, because I am just mentally and physically drained. The one bright spot is it looks like I will definitely be working from home starting in August or September. I actually enjoy the drive to work when the weather is nice but winter driving is a constant source of anxiety, so I'm extremely happy about this. I can't help but feel this change is another preordained step on the path my life is currently on, so I hope the change in everyone else's life turns out to be a cloud lined with diamonds and gold ! I will not miss paying $90 a month to park my car and I'll be glad to spend a whole lot less on gas too ! I also won't miss navigating the crosswalks of downtown Syracuse. As most of you know, I was hit by a car once and I've had numerous near misses over the years ! I also won't have to get up at 5:30 am. I'm focusing on the positives because that is the only thing that will get me through this. I really, really hope I cross paths with my former co-workers somewhere down the road, because I don't want today to be my last memory of them.

I am officially on vacation and I really have nothing planned other than a family barbecue on July 4. My mom has a hair appointment on Wednesday so I will probably take her to that and then get a casino trip in. You can't stay at home when you've just had your hair done ! I need a haircut myself and the car needs an oil change so I foresee a spa day for us both ! I might also have the car interior detailed as well. I need to get in the freezer too and update my Nutrisystem inventory. I'm due for another shipment very soon and they currently have a 50% off sale on dinners. So I have a bunch of little things that will keep me occupied.

As is my routine, I'll be wrapping things up and heading to the shower soon. With any luck some tv and a game or two will help me relax enough to actually go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day and I will set my sights on what is in front of all of us, instead of dwelling on what is past and cannot be changed.