Day 154: Facing Doubt

"Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome."

Lack of self esteem and a whole lot of self doubt seem to go hand in hand. As my self esteem increases, doubt in my ability to overcome whatever life throws at me seems to decrease ! Considering all I've been through, I couldn't tell you why I would ever doubt myself. It's a process I guess and I'm still working through it all. Being successful at losing weight and increasing my fitness level have made all the difference. When you try hard and succeed it definitely motivates you to keep going. I still remind myself there may be weeks I won't lose weight so I am prepared for it and don't get discouraged. I've never stuck to anything for 154 days straight so this is a new record for me. Last night was a good example - I really wanted to stay on the couch and relax but I forced myself to get up and get my workout done. 100 excuses ran through my mind while I was sitting there but I knew if I didn't get up and get moving I'd spend just as much time beating myself up. I spend a total of 39 minutes on the treadmill (3 are warm up and 3 are cool down, 33 for the workout itself) and only 8 minutes of that are really hard .. so there was no good reason not to push through it. In the end I couldn't come up with a valid reason not to exercise. I always feel amazing afterward so I don't know why it's so hard some days. Once I (hopefully) start working from home I'm hoping to change up my schedule and see if that makes it a little easier !

Breakfast was a 2.1 ounce 160 calorie cherry cheese roll with Kahlua coffee. Second cup was triple chocolate. Morning snack was a 155 calorie vanilla shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 4 ounce 220 calorie thai style chicken melt with raw carrots. This melt isn't a favorite either so I'm not ordering any more. It has a sweetness to it that I don't care for. Afternoon snack was 1/2 cup of cottage cheese (80 calories) and a snack cup of mandarin oranges (80 calories). This left 505 calories for dinner and an evening snack. Dinner was a 9.5 ounce 260 calorie roasted turkey medallions with mashed potatoes and gravy. I had the rest of the green beans I cooked last night with it. Evening snack was a 3.5 ounce 130 calorie ice cream sandwich. Total calories for the day are 1077 and I got all 64 ounces of water in !

Yesterday I decided it was time for a new phone so I ordered a Samsung Galaxy S10+. My S7 Edge works but I've noticed some slowness, one camera is damaged and the battery doesn't last. It's over 2 years old, so it was time, but I'm going to keep it for a backup. My existing phone is the rose gold color and they don't have that anymore so I went with Flamingo Pink for the new one ! In other shopping news, I've noticed my "new" jeans are already getting baggy but I am resisting the urge to buy new ones just yet. I'd really like to wait until I can buy something that is 2 sizes down. One thing I have never been is a clothes horse. This morning I was thinking about the clothes I used to wear. I had stretch knit pants in multiple colors that I wore for a good 15 years. You could eat all you wanted and it didn't matter since they had an elastic waist ! I finally threw them all away after the fire. I can't even believe I wore them for all those years, but it goes along with the fact that I always put my needs last. Here I was, a professional woman, dressing in the same old faded clothes year after year but I bought new things for Alex several times a year. Crazy ! In the end I pretty much threw away every article of clothing I owned prior to the fire. What's ironic is the few new things I had could not be salvaged after the fire and that made me so sad. This past weekend I finally got rid of most of the clothing I "saved" but I still have some that need to go. Every time I get rid of a few things it makes it easier to go back and get rid of more. I remember the day I went shopping with my sister and my mom and discovered jeans that fit me, even at my size ! I still remember how happy I was. Even at my weight I could wear "skinny" jeans ! That was maybe a year before the fire and even though I was wearing jeans every day, I held on to the old faded stretch pants. This gives me a little insight into people who hoard, because although I never intended to wear those pants again I kept them "just in case". In case of what ? Who knows ! At this point I have zero hoarding tendencies and I'm always looking for things to discard, so I guess those insecurities are gone. I'll never be a fashion plate but I think I'm dressing a bit nicer now !

It was foggy, cloudy and gray for the morning commute today. Traffic was relatively light as I left a few minutes earlier than usual. I'm looking forward to the day I don't have to make that 35 minute run down 81 to Syracuse every day. The forecast indicated it would be sunny by 5 pm so I rolled the dice and left my umbrella in the car. It's Taste of Syracuse tomorrow and Saturday and the weather is supposed to be nice, so they lucked out ! It did clear up and the day turned out beautiful ! I opened the door in the laundry room for the cats so they could get some fresh air and look outside. I see rabbits and squirrels in the side yard so the cats might get to see some wildlife too ! 

My workout is done and I'm ready for a hot shower and my amazing bed. It's the most comfortable bed I've ever had ! Sinking into that after a shower feels like a reward after a long day. After Alex passed away I slept in a broken down recliner in the living room. That continued until the fire - so nearly 3 years ! All the aches and pains I had are now a thing of the past and I don't feel like a zombie every day. Something more to be grateful for !!