Day 152: Living Authentic

"If you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won't like you. It may not be easy, but it's essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.      ~Cheryl Richardson~

I can relate to this quote because I spent years trying to make everyone else happy. Some people want to be the "fixer" or the peacemaker and that person was me. I always went along with what everyone else wanted or needed or thought because I wanted them to "like" me. Looking back, I can see that I was just letting myself be used. People either like you or they don't. Bending over backwards for them doesn't really change what they think of you. The users will just use you even more. Wanting people to like me was more about my own self esteem than anything else. If you feel like you're worthless, the opinion of others is really all you have to go on. How else would you measure your value ? Today I focus mostly on myself and some people might think I've become holier than thou or conceited or selfish .. when in reality I'm learning that I am worth something ! The users are the ones who will think I've changed .. only because they can't use me anymore. Confidence can intimidate people, so some may think I've changed only because I am now more confident. The old saying "walk a mile in my shoes" comes to mind and it's so true. I spent too many years catering to the needs of others. I've been to hell and back again. For a long time I felt this emptiness inside and I knew I wanted something .. I just didn't know what it was. For a time I thought it was tangible things. It wasn't. Despite the hardships I had a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in the fridge. So that emptiness wasn't about "things". Today I can afford to buy "things" but I no longer feel like I need them. What I actually needed was to feel like I was worth something. This was something I had to figure out for myself and it's something I have the power to change. Putting the focus on my weight was a turning point in my life. One of several in recent years, actually. Alex's passing started the chain of events but the fire was the catalyst for change. Spending nearly a year out of my house and closer to my family allowed me to begin the healing process, with their love and support. That love and support was always available to me, but I chose not to reach out for it. I had wrapped myself in a pretty hard shell and it took a while to break through it. Losing a few pounds made me realize I do have control over my life and if I work hard I can achieve anything I set my mind to. I look at the weight as a secondary shell that I built around myself. Every day I shed a little bit of it and I look forward to the day I can say it is completely gone.


Breakfast was a 2.1 ounce 160 calorie cherry cheese roll with Green Mountain Breakfast Blend coffee. Second cup was French vanilla. Morning snack was a 155 calorie vanilla shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 4 ounce 210 calorie beef stir fry melt with raw carrots. This melt has a nice flavor but something in it gives me heartburn, so I won't be ordering any more. Afternoon snack was 1/2 cup of cottage cheese (80 calories) and a snack cup of mandarin oranges (80 calories). I always drain the liquid from the fruit because I feel like it's nothing but sugar water and empty calories, but I still count it as 80 calories. Looks like I chose all low calorie items today because I had 513 calories left for dinner and an evening snack ! Dinner was a 9.5 ounce 260 calorie roasted turkey medallions with mashed potatoes and gravy. This is probably my favorite entree. I also had a big bowl of broccoli with it. Evening snack was a 2.2 ounce 140 calorie lemon zest cake. Another favorite ! My calories are only at 1087 today but that's close enough. I got about 80 ounces of water in today.

In today's rant, I still have to shake my head at some of the things people post in the Nutrisystem group I belong to on Facebook. I stay in the group mainly for sale alerts on NS foods or Costco gift cards. Beyond that I get nothing from it. I have a hard time believing people who claim they are following the program "to a T" and have lost no weight. I just feel like that's not possible. I also have a hard time believing people who claim to run miles per day. Can you really run miles per day and be overweight to the point you need to be on Nutrisystem ? I'm skeptical. Then you have the people who claim it's "too much food" and they "can't eat it all". Really ? Tell me again how you got to be overweight ? The ultimate are the ones who want to lose 10 pounds and are ranting because they only lost a pound. If I only needed to lose 10 pounds I think I could do that without spending $400 a month on Nutrisystem and expecting a miracle. Also, when you think about it .. if you only need to lose 10 pounds and lose 1 .. that is 10% of your goal. I think they expect to lose the whole 10 in a week or two ! Then you have those who "cheat" all the time and use the group as their enabling confessional. Call me a bitch, but I feel like you need to own it if you cheat, instead of expecting everyone to pat your head and tell you it's ok. I'm not going to contribute to the damage you're doing to yourself. If you can't stick to the program for yourself, what makes you think a bunch of strangers telling you it's ok will help ? If I cheat or overindulge I will (and do) document it here but I certainly don't expect anyone to tell me it's ok. Everything I eat is my responsibility and believe me, I know what is allowed, what is not allowed and what is good vs. what is bad. So if I make the wrong decision I own that. The absolute worst are the people who are too lazy to read the very easy guides Nutrisystem provides (with every shipment!) or explore the website and mobile app functionality. Instead they post in the group and let everyone else do the work for them. What's funny is they often end up with 100 responses that are all different ... good luck sifting through that garbage for accurate information ! Rant over. These days I avoid the group and just check in periodically to see if there are any good sales I might have missed. I guess I just don't have patience for some types of people anymore.

It was pretty hard to get out of bed today because it was 41 degrees and I had the heat off upstairs. As a result it was a chilly 65 in my bedroom, which is fine when I'm snuggled under the blankets but not so much when it's time to get up ! Since the cold came with blue skies and sunshine I wasn't going to complain but the sun disappeared around lunchtime and it was rainy by the time I left work. On the bright side, it's going to be in the 70's going forward, with lows in the 50's so I will take this slight improvement in the weather ! It snowed in Quebec, Canada last night ... so it can always be worse !

Got my workout in and although the last 8 minutes is still brutal I feel like it was just a tiny bit easier tonight. I still have to laugh when the trainer talks about the subsequent workouts in the series and says he hopes they will inspire you to visit Mount Kilimanjaro some day and climb it for real. Yep .. that's not happening ! I am happy to climb it from right here in the good old USA !

Next up is a hot shower and my warm cozy bed. I am tired tonight even though I slept great last night.