Day 145: Confidence

"Confidence isn't walking into a room with your nose in the air, and thinking you are better than everyone else. It's walking into a room and not having to compare yourself to anyone else in the first place."

I can relate to this quote, but for slightly different reasons. I would walk into a room and think that everyone was looking at me because of my weight. I likely appeared snooty because I was (and still am) so very shy and self-conscious. I don't know that I've ever thought I was better than anyone else. Today I can walk into a room and not immediately think anyone who glances at me is judging me for my weight. I still have a lot of weight to lose, so they might, but I don't let that get me down. I figure if they know me they're noticing the weight loss and if they don't know me they're wondering who I am. I'm pretty proud of what I've achieved so far and honestly, anyone who judges you based on your weight isn't really worth your time. I am continually amazed that I've shed 61 pounds. I am also amazed that it has been relatively easy to do. I suspect the next 61 won't be quite so easy, so I'm preparing myself for that possibility. I can't sit back and think the next 61 will just disappear on their own. It's going to take the same level of commitment (maybe more) that has gotten me to this point. I feel like what I've achieved during this first leg of the journey has given me the ability to work even harder on the second leg. Exercise is definitely easier when you have 61 less pounds to move around ! So over the past 145 days I've gained a lot of confidence in myself. I've shown myself that with hard work you can achieve great things. I gave up so many times in the past, for a lot of reasons, but I'm determined not to give up this time. It would be so easy to slide back into my old routine, but I don't want to go back to that dark unhappy place. I like where I am today. I have a purpose. For maybe the first time in my life, I am that purpose. Yes, it's all about me. Taking care of me has never been a priority and sometimes it feels a little selfish, but it's where I need to be right now. I've realized that no one is going to take better care of me than me. So I'm learning to put myself first most of the time. Naturally there will be times in your life when the needs of another are more important, but I will balance that with meeting my own needs.

Breakfast today was a 2.1 ounce 160 calorie cherry cheese roll with Jamaican Me Crazy coffee from Finger Lakes Coffee Roasters. These k-cups were a gift from my sweet niece Lauren and they have a shop in Destiny. This is one delicious brew so I'm rationing them ! 2nd cup was french vanilla. Morning snack was a 155 calorie vanilla shake with peanut butter powder. I actually finished my first jar of peanut butter powder today. It lasted about 3.5 months ! Lunch was a 4 ounce 220 calorie chicken fajita melt with salsa and raw carrots. Also started on my second 32 ounces of water. Afternoon snack was 3/4 cup greek yogurt (90 calories) and a snack cup of mandarin oranges (80 calories). I drain the liquid from the fruit, so although that likely reduces the calories we'll go with the 80. This left me 493 calories for dinner and an evening snack. Dinner was a 10 ounce 280 calorie salisbury steak with mac and cheese. The mac & cheese tends to be a little soupy but I like this entree ! Started my third 32 ounces of water after dinner and finished it during my 2nd workout. Evening snack was a well-earned 3.4 ounce 190 calorie chocolate brownie sundae cup. That put my calories for the day at 1177. I pretty much maxed them due to the 2 workouts - which burned about 480 calories, according to iFit. 

As forecast, the day dawned gray and rainy but I awoke rested and glad to be on vacation. Very early this morning I actually dreamed about having to get up for work ! When I woke from that dream it took me a minute to orient my half-asleep self and remember I didn't have to get up. Then I went back to sleep until about 7 .. lol ! The coffee tasted especially good today since I was sitting on the couch enjoying it !

This morning I was feeling the effects of not drinking enough water yesterday ! The buffet food probably had more sodium in it than I'm used to as well. So today my goal was to drink at least 96 ounces of water and get 2 workouts in, since I didn't work out yesterday. I got the first workout in by noon and started the laundry room cleanup about 3 pm. Minnie was not happy that I was tearing up her room ! Abby couldn't have cared less - she parked herself on a chair (that I covered with a throw) in the dining room. I had to do the room in sections because I can't move the cat tree out of there and I didn't want to drag everything out of the room anyways. It actually made the task seem easier. Not long ago the thought of cleaning the entire room would have been too overwhelming and I'd never have done it. It took me a while but I got the job done and it looks so nice now ! I took plenty of breaks to let each section of floor dry before I moved things back. It took 3 buckets of water, so that's how dirty that floor actually was. I can't blame it all on the cats, I tracked plenty of dirt in all winter. Next winter I am going to put something outside the door to the garage so I can change out my footwear before I come in the house. I also need to get back to using the swiffer for quick cleanups. Now I can cross one thing off my "to do" list ! Tomorrow I'm going to Walmart because I am out of veggies and I need cat food .. along with 100 other things ! It's not supposed to rain until maybe afternoon so I'll get that done in the morning and hopefully keep the car semi-clean. I have 2 free re-washes over the next 2 weeks so if it rains, it rains. 

All in all I thoroughly enjoyed my first "official" day of vacation ! I'm pleased to have the laundry room clean again, I'm happy I was able to get 96 ounces of water in and I'm happy to have 2 workouts in the books ! I'm doing a Mount Kilimanjaro trekking series on the treadmill and the steep inclines really test my endurance. I need to hang a towel on the treadmill because this one makes me break quite a sweat ! There are some workouts in the series that I know I can't do, but quite a few of them are reachable goals. However, I think I'll be doing #1 in the series for a while ! I've never been "in shape" so I'm pretty hopelessly "out of shape" ... but working hard to change that ! I had plenty of time to relax today too. There was nothing on tv so I listened to music all day. I love being able to access Pandora via the tv ! 

I see a shower and a comfy bed in my future ... it's been a full day and I'm tired !