Day 136: Dream It

"Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality. If you can dream it, you can make it so."  ~Belva Davis~

I don't have many dreams. I never did, maybe because I struggled with a lack of self esteem for so many years. The higher my weight went, the lower my self esteem went and I felt powerless to stop the spiral. I think events of recent years shocked me back to reality and made me see that I was destroying my own life. I blamed everyone but myself for things I could have changed. Once I faced facts I was able to see that I had the power to change my life, starting with my weight. So being a normal weight is the dream I am focused on. My goal weight is pretty far off and some days I feel like I will never get there. I have to keep reminding myself that from day 1 I knew this was going to take well over a year to achieve. So the space between my dream and reality is a wide open chunk of the unknown. When you really want something you can't help but be afraid you'll never get it. Once I do reach my goal weight I expect I'll be afraid of gaining the weight back. It will be a struggle not to obsess about that. My emotions bounce back and forth about reaching or not reaching my goal. Then they bounce back and forth about maintaining the loss. Changing my mindset from "you'll always be fat" to "you don't have to be fat" has not been easy. Fat. It's a painful word to say. It used to upset me when someone I didn't view as being fat would complain about being fat. I've come to realize that I'm not the only person on the planet with body image issues. That person I see as being a "normal" weight may see a fat person in the mirror. Then there are those who say they're fat just so everyone around them rushes to assure them they're not. I don't let that kind of thing get to me anymore. I will continue my march toward my goal. Giving up is always easier than pressing on ! Giving up means you eat whatever you want and never get on the scale. Giving up means never looking in the mirror. Giving up means you're not worth the effort. I AM worth the effort and I'm not giving up ! I am committed to Nutrisystem and encouraged by the success I've had so far ! I will reach my goal and crush it ! It may not change my life but I think my life will be better .. and hopefully longer !

I lost 2 pounds this week - for a total of 55.8 pounds since January 4 ! 

Breakfast today was a 2 ounce 170 calorie double chocolate muffin with french vanilla coffee. I have a bunch of the non-frozen muffins so I'll be eating them on weekends to use them up. The insoluble fiber in them causes some digestive disturbance (ie gas .. lol) so I don't order them anymore and I won't eat them unless I'm planning to be at home all day. It's too bad because the muffins are really delicious ! The blueberry muffin I had the other day caused a lot of digestive upset but the chocolate one seemed to settle better, so perhaps the other day was just a fluke. My morning snack was a 155 calorie chocolate shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 3.7 ounce 200 calorie grilled chicken breast sandwich. I put calorie free ranch dressing and buffalo sauce on it and it was spectacular ! I also take the sandwich apart and toast the bun while cooking the patty in the microwave. That makes a huge difference ! I had a chef salad with Skinny Girl Roasted Garlic Vinaigrette. Only 10 calories in 2 tablespoons ! I added matchstick carrots and cucumber to the salad. I'm getting used to eating cucumber and it does make salad a little more interesting. Afternoon snack was 1/2 cup of cottage cheese (80 calories), pretzels (110 calories) and a Tabasco pickle. Dinner was a 5 ounce 210 calorie broccoli & cheese stuffed chicken breast with fresh green beans. Once again I ate the veggies without using the salt shaker. That's a big deal for me ! My evening snack was another 3.5 ounce 130 calorie ice cream sandwich. This puts my calories at 1056 for the day. A little low but I had a lot of veggies so I never felt hungry.

I was woken up around 4:20 am by a thunderstorm and heavy rain but was able to go back to sleep until 8. When I got up the sun was shining and the sky was a brilliant blue dotted with white puffy clouds. My lawn was mowed yesterday so it was such a joy to look out the window. I don't know about you, but a bright sunny day automatically lifts my spirits ! I turned off the heat and opened a few windows to get some fresh air. Unfortunately that weather didn't last .. I noticed it had gotten cloudy around 1:15 pm and thunder and rain soon followed. So the windows are closed but the heat is still off. I guess that was the price for an 80 degree day ! I checked a few things off my to do list today. Ran the dishwasher, swept the kitchen floor, vacuumed the downstairs, cleaned the bathroom, did 3 loads of laundry AND got a workout in between my morning snack and lunch. I also got 32 ounces of water by lunch time and I'm just about done with the second 32. We had more thunderstorms and heavy rain late this afternoon. I was watching tv when I realized it was getting very dark and then my satellite signal started breaking up .. so I knew severe weather was coming.  A little bit of thunder and some heavy downpours but it's quiet out there now. I got a second workout in after dinner so I'm ready for a hot shower and a warm bed. One of my favorite movies is on SyFy right now - Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory ! It's almost over but they're showing it again at 9:15, so I guess that's what I'll have on to lull me to sleep. 

I have thoroughly enjoyed this relaxing weekend. I really needed the break from the hustle and bustle of life. I'll be on vacation as of 5 pm Friday, so I hope this week flies by !