Day 46: The Strength To Go On

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength.” ~Theodore Roosevelt~

I’m sure most everyone has come to a point in their life when they doubted their ability to continue. I know I have many times but each time I found the strength to go on. Life is nothing but a series of challenges and in most cases you have the ability to overcome them. Some challenges are insurmountable or feel like they’re insurmountable, but you have to at least try. When I was diagnosed with leukemia the thought of dying never entered my mind. Maybe that was naïve as I was pretty sick for a while and had a couple of close calls. I know I’m lucky to be here today, cancer free for nearly 9 years. Some people are not so fortunate. On many occasions I felt like it was hopeless to even try losing weight because I had no confidence in my ability to stick with it and conquer this beast once and for all. I don’t know why it’s different now. Maybe it truly is because all of the other things that were dragging me down have been resolved, so I can finally focus on just me. Maybe it’s because I finally feel like life is worth living. It’s a gift, this life of mine, so I’m glad I’m finally taking the time to invest in myself. Still, in the back of my mind I can hear that student in my oncologist’s office telling me that “at my age” I shouldn’t expect to lose much weight. That was 6 or more years ago and I still remember it. Those words, devoid of encouragement, just killed me. I’m sure she meant well but when you’re dealing with cancer patients I think a more positive attitude is in order. I let those words keep me from even trying for a long time. What was the point ? Today it just makes me more determined to prove her wrong. I really regret letting those words keep me from trying. Maybe it is harder to lose the weight at my age but it is not impossible. I won’t have a six pack or a thigh gap and I might sag all over but I know I can get to a healthy weight. Every pound I lose is less stress on my body and every pound I lose encourages me to continue the journey. Losing the weight slowly will allow my skin to shrink naturally (to a degree) so with any luck I won’t be carrying around too many pounds of excess skin when it’s all said and done.

Breakfast today was a 2.8 ounce 160 calorie package of pancakes. This was actually an accident – I had intended to bring a cinnamon roll but I grabbed the wrong item out of the freezer this morning. It worked out, the pancakes on their own were fine with my coffee after 30 seconds in the microwave. A hard boiled egg was my breakfast PowerFuel and I ate it without salt. I confess, I usually salt my egg but I’m really trying to give up the added salt. My morning snack was the usual shake, chocolate today with peanut butter powder for a total of 155 calories. Lunch was a 4 ounce 200 calorie broccoli & cheese melt with raw carrots. I had 2 string cheese (100 calories) as an afternoon snack. I never did eat my yogurt or veggie cake. Dinner tonight was a 8.5 ounce 250 calorie package of four cheese manicotti with a big bowl of my roasted veggies. I’m only at 938 calories for the day so I’m going to look through my snacks and grab the one with the highest calorie count.

Back on December 29, 2018 I decided I would try Nutrisystem for at least 90 days and today I’m at the halfway point of that 90 days. It’s going well so I’m planning on doing this for at least a year. I started on January 4, 2019 so we’ll see where I am when January 4, 2020 rolls around ! My goal is to weigh 199 or less by then. In the beginning I wasn’t convinced I would like the food or be able to stick to the program, but I DO like the food and I HAVE been able to stick to the program. When I learned my office was closing I wasn’t sure I’d be able to afford to continue but I’ve determined I can, especially considering I have stopped “donating” to the local casinos ! None of this has been without struggle. There were powerful emotions to work through without the comfort of food, which is difficult when you’re an emotional eater. Fortunately I had a supportive family behind me to compensate. Drinking enough water was a struggle for a while too but I’m doing better with that now. Figuring out what PowerFuel and Smart Carbs to eat was also a puzzle but I’ve found a lot of options so I won’t get bored with what I’m eating. I’ve also customized my monthly food order from Nutrisystem to eliminate the things I don’t really like and add more of the items I really enjoy. So at day 46 I feel like I’ve got the hang of this new way of eating. I’m also working on incorporating exercise. Many people on the program have found they don’t have enough energy to exercise. I felt that way the first couple of weeks as my body adjusted to the severe calorie reduction … then I was just lazy about it. The exercise component actually makes me feel good so I’m going to stay with that. I got in my beach workout on the treadmill tonight and I feel good. The bad news is I feel like I’m coming down with a cold (stuffy nose, scratchy throat). I’ve found that the Zicam nasal swabs really work so I’m going to start those tonight and see if I can head it off or at least keep it mild.

Right after the alarm went off at 5:30 this morning I heard the plow come by and my first thought was “uh oh” … then I realized it sounded like he was scraping off a layer of pavement so I knew there wasn’t much in the way of snow out there. We’d had maybe an inch of snow but it wasn’t snowing in Mexico when I left for work and the roads were fine. Traffic was light since it’s President’s Day but I did run into light snow falling once I got closer to Syracuse. It was nothing to worry about and we really had nothing but flurries all day. It’s cold again though - the low for tonight is 5 degrees ! I really hope we’re going to have that early spring the groundhog promised !