Day 20: Why Not Me ?

Day 20 ! Fist bump - I’m on the threshold of 3 weeks with Nutrisystem already. I don’t think I’ve ever stuck with anything for 3 weeks, let alone a “diet”, so this is indeed a milestone.

I’m glad to have the severe cold weather gone but we could do without the ice and rain. Schools in Mexico were closed today but the roads were fine when I went to work so I’m not sure why the schools closed. I’m wondering if conditions worsened there after I had left at 6:15 am. The roads still had some snow on them but there was no rain or snow falling. My commute was slower than usual because of some snow still on the highway. I kept my speed at 65 or less and ended up hitting rain when I got closer to Syracuse.

I forgot to bring some k-cups to work so I didn’t have any coffee this morning ! Don’t ask me how I survived that cuz I sure don’t know ! Breakfast was a 2.1 ounce 180 calorie cinnamon roll. It was very good but I missed having coffee with it. I packed coffee supplies as soon as I got home tonight ! I didn’t have my morning snack but lunch was a 4 ounce 200 calorie broccoli and cheese melt. The meatless items I’ve had come from the vegetarian options Nutrisystem offers. Going forward I think I need to cook up some chicken or boil some eggs to pair with the vegetarian options. That will give me protein with each meal. Today I had raw carrots and my shake with the melt. My afternoon snack was a 1.1 ounce 130 calorie pack of chocolate covered pretzels. They were really good ! For dinner I had a 5 ounce 210 calorie chicken breast stuffed with broccoli and cheese. It comes fully cooked and frozen so you just microwave for a couple minutes. I have to say it was really good ! I expected it to be dry but it was actually tender and delicious. I paired it with green beans. I’m only at 840 calories for the day so I’m indulging in a cup of yogurt for an evening snack. I did better with water consumption today but I am still not getting 64 ounces so I need to work harder on that. My next shipment is on the way so I’m looking forward to getting that !

I wish I could say it was good to be back to work today but it really wasn’t. The mood is understandably somber so it’s very difficult. You see people and ask “how are you” and even though the responses are always positive I know we’re not “good”. How can you be when your life has been upended ? Many are in my age group or younger and therefore not in a position to retire. Who wants to start over after 20+ years ? This is the only job many of us have ever known and we wanted to retire from here. I don’t really want to start over but the thought of doing something new doesn’t scare me. I need a new challenge and I’m ready to take on something else. I came in to 2019 with that mindset so I guess there was some premonition of what was coming. However, knowing it was coming and actually hearing it are 2 different things. I’ve known many of these people for the last 34 years and I probably won’t see any of them again. We’ll keep up on social media but that’ll probably be it. So I’m most sad about that.

For those who will happily retire and never look back … I wish you a long and relaxing retirement. For those who will follow the work to Florida .. I wish you nothing but the best. Go show them how Syracuse does it ! For those who leave the company and search for new opportunities .. I wish you the best and hope you find an amazing career that makes you happy. I don’t know what my path will be yet but I can guarantee it will turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Lastly, I need to add some context to my comments about suicide yesterday. It’s not the answer – it never is. I’m not depressed and I’m not contemplating anything other than good things for myself. Why is suicide such a taboo subject ? Perhaps if we talked about it more there would be more awareness and perhaps more services available to those who need them. I see I left out part of my thoughts on that subject in yesterday’s note, so I will add them here. When my plow guy repaired my siding last week he asked if I had heard my neighbor lost his wife. I had not ! She apparently passed the week before Christmas after a 1 year battle with lung cancer. It’s so sad because they turned the house next door into a bed and breakfast and are working on restoring the grand old hotel across the street. I believe the plan is to open a restaurant and bar. He is continuing on but how sad is it that she didn’t live to see their dream realized ? She was so excited about the restoration and published updates on social media all summer. So I may be losing my job … big deal. It happens to people every day. It happened to my dad after 25 years with one company and he busted his ass in several different jobs until retirement. I get a lot of my work ethic from him. My neighbor has dealt with a whole lot more in the past year than I have. I remember back in 2009 when I was diagnosed with Leukemia. One of my oncologists was surprised I wasn’t wringing my hands and crying “why me?”. My response to him was “why not me ?” He wasn’t expecting that. But really … why not me ? So that’s my perspective on the whole thing. I guess I’m meant to do something else, whether with AT&T or some other lucky company !

And yes, I have been through a lot in the past few years. The good news is I’ve weathered the storm every time. I have no reason to believe I won’t weather this one too. I’m allowed to be sad sometimes. I’m allowed to be unhappy about the impending changes in my life. I’m allowed to worry about my future. I’m allowed to be envious of those who have someone else to take care of them. Those are all normal emotions. I’d be more worried about someone who is not expressing any of these emotions. I may waffle back and forth (I’m ok, I’m not ok .. I’m ready for change .. I’m not ready for change etc) but I feel like that is normal too. It doesn’t mean I’m planning anything sinister. I have too much to live for !

I expect much less of me to be sitting here in January 2020 being grateful for getting through the challenges of 2019, being proud of my accomplishments and looking forward to an amazing new year !