Day 19: Finding Your Inner Strength

Today was yet another stressful day. Woke up to no heat or hot water with an outdoor temp of -8 and an indoor temp of 55 degrees that quickly dropped as low as 48 ! A trip to the basement didn’t turn up any obvious issues other than a flashing green light on the front of the boiler that heats the water for the heating system and the rest of the house. Pipes weren’t frozen as water was flowing freely throughout the house and the basement was not super cold. After emailing Paul Davis and calling the company that installed the system I fed the cats, made myself a cup of coffee and bundled up on the couch. The cats have an extra electric heater so it was 60 in their room. This was yet another vacation day used. I’ve only worked 3 days this month ! Being off 1/2 thru 1/4 was planned but nothing after that was ! I’ve been through 2 pipe freezes, the death of a cat and now the heating issue - all since January 8th ! This downhill slide was preceded by news that my office is closing and it’s been downhill ever since !

Not being one to give up I decided to venture outside and see if the intake or exhaust pipe for the boiler were the problem. I trudged through snow up to my knees and found the intake was clogged with ice and snow from the past 2 days of blowing snow and bitter cold. I cleared the intake and took another trip to the basement to find the controls for the boiler. I turned it off and then back on and it fired right up. It took quite a while for the house to warm up but it’s toasty warm now and the sub-zero weather has moved on. I just realized my feet are finally warm !!!! My hands warmed up a couple hours ago.

On the Nutrisystem front, breakfast today was a 2.8 ounce 160 calorie package of 2 pancakes. Although the package shows them covered in syrup and fruit I spread them with peanut butter. They were pretty good ! I had 3 cups of black coffee today and realized that I’m totally used to drinking coffee black now. I don’t see me ever going back to cream and sugar. My morning snack was a shake and a slice of whole wheat toast with a tiny bit of margarine on it. I use Brummel & Brown which only has 45 calories in a tablespoon. Lunch today was a 220 calorie spinach and cheese pretzel melt. I don’t have the exact weight but most of the melts are around 4 ounces. I would best describe this one as spinach dip inside a soft pretzel. You have to be careful with the melts because a powerful microwave will quickly heat the filling to the temperature of molten lava ! I had brussel sprouts with the melt and ended up not having an afternoon snack. For dinner I tried a frozen Italian sausage and turkey pepperoni pizza. The frozen pizza was 100 times better than the non frozen ones I’ve tried but I still found the sauce to be too sweet. Regardless I ate the entire 260 calorie 4.4 ounce portion ! I’ve had 963 calories so I have plenty left for an evening snack. Last night I had a chocolate pie, which was pretty good. Basically a bit of chocolate pudding inside a soft crust that you microwave. I burned the roof of my mouth on the filling - hence the warning about super heating the contents of the melts.

Today I learned I still have the inner strength that has carried me through so much in the past 20 years. I handled the heating situation without panic and fear but I will admit to feeling some despair. I can understand a little better why some people choose to end their life. When life knocks you down so many times at what point do you stop trying to get back up ? That thought ran through my mind when I went out in the garage to turn off my car. I haven’t been out since Saturday so I used the remote start to turn on the car and let it run for a little bit. When I went out to turn it off the garage was full of exhaust fumes. I’m not suicidal by any stretch of the imagination but a thought ran through my mind that some people use carbon monoxide for a painless end. In that moment, after the past 2 weeks I’ve had, I could understand why. Despite the ups and down I think life still has a lot to offer me and I intend to take advantage of every day I have left. It definitely helps to know that Paul Davis is there if I need them for the house and my family is there for everything else. I also got a call this evening from the guy that did all the electrical and plumbing - he wanted to make sure everything was ok. So in the end I feel safe and warm and ready to go back out and face the world.

That being said, I’m heading back to work tomorrow and I don’t plan on taking any more time off until they push me out the door or Memorial Day arrives ... whichever comes first !