Time For A Reset
Three years ago I embarked on the excess of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day without a care in the world. Thanksgiving was the lead up to another 2 days of eating delicious food without guilt and I couldn't wait to stuff myself ! At 300+ pounds, eating was my happy place ! That Thanksgiving feast of turkey and all the fixings was just a preview of the turkey, lasagna and sweet treats that Christmas would bring. Little did I know that Christmas Day 2018 was going to be the turning point in my mostly lifelong struggle with obesity. Little did I know that a couple of candid photos would lead to the horrifying realization that my weight had ballooned completely out of control. It had been that way for many years, but I had been able to ignore it. Something clicked that fateful day and I could no longer ignore it. Those photos changed my life but I still have a lot to learn.
Today is Day 1090 of Nutrisystem. 158 days since I reached my goal weight. The journey hasn't ended and I don't see that it ever will. I took my focus off diet and exercise back in August to focus on professional commitments and it resulted in me gaining a few pounds, so I'm no longer at my goal weight. I also let myself go to enjoy the holidays. Well, I enjoyed all that a little too much. The last few days have not been easy. I've realized just how much weight I've gained back. 10 or 15 pounds may not seem like much to the average person, but when you worked as hard and as long as I did to get the weight off, 15 pounds is a lot and I'm pretty disappointed in myself. There are no excuses. Nothing I can say will ever justify where I find myself right now. The good news is I haven't given up on the Nutrisystem program and, more importantly, I haven't given up on myself. I rededicated myself to diet and exercise today and I WILL get these pounds back off. When I weighed 300 pounds I don't think I noticed an extra 10 or 15 pounds, but I feel and see them now. Its become clear (again) that some of my old behaviors are lingering and still need work. I knew from day 1 that keeping the weight off would be a lifelong struggle but I think part of me was hoping I was wrong about that. A part of me wanted to believe I'd reach my goal weight and magically never have to worry about my weight again. That was just fantasy and I was fooling myself. Well, maybe I don't need to "worry" about my weight but I do have to pay closer attention to it. Taking my eye off the target and allowing myself to wander so far away from it is not good. 10-15 pounds can turn into 100 in a heartbeat and I am not going back there. I wanted to give myself the slack to allow for the gain this one time but when I thought about it I realized that all the slack I give myself is what brought me here. I'm back to the dark place I found myself in 3 years ago. I wish I could say lesson learned and never again. I wish I could say I am not going to become a yo-yo dieter who gains and loses the same few pounds over and over and over. Right now I don't have that level of confidence in myself and maybe that's a good thing. I'm seeing that I haven't made all of the necessary lifestyle changes to maintain my weight at a healthy number. I'm not sitting here facing 150+ excess pounds but I'm taking these 15 just as seriously.
I've known for a while that I was heavier than I wanted to be (jeans don't lie!) but I was pushing that little worry away .. I'll deal with it tomorrow .. or next week or next month. Well, red flag. That was my mind set in 2018 before I actually started to address my weight. I've been falling back into emotional eating and also the "I'll worry about it another day" mindset. I've made a lot of positive changes in my life over the past 3 years so it's not all bad news. I have a lot to be proud of and the good thing about my present circumstances is I'm aware of it and I'm committed to working harder.
So I've been thinking about 2022 and what goals I wanted to set for myself. I didn't want my weight to be one of them but it looks like that is unavoidable. So goal #1 is to get back to my Nutrisystem goal weight of 154. Goal #2 is to maintain that weight for all of 2022. That's a stretch goal for sure. Goal #3 is to get my exercise program back on target. The Total Gym is tucked away right now because the Christmas tree is up, but once the tree is put away I'll be rolling it out again. My left shoulder still bothers me but I plan to restart slowly and do what I can to strengthen it. Getting back to the treadmill is priority #1 and I started that today. As of today I'm no longer working through my lunch and I stop work completely at 6 pm. It's going to take some time to get my endurance back so the workouts are harder right now - which is ok ! I got lazy but the party is over and now comes the hard work. I stood in the kitchen tonight while my dinner was cooking and realized I felt good. I had forgotten the little burst of euphoria I experience after a solid workout. So today was a good day !
I took my focus off diet and exercise to give 200% to my professional life. I don't regret it because I was able to grasp the new challenges, learn a ton of new things and start plowing through the gigantic backlog we had inherited. The sense of accomplishment I feel far exceeds the fear I had in the beginning. I was SO afraid I would not "get" it. Some of that lack of confidence dates back to 2010 when I returned to work after 6 months on disability for my leukemia treatment. I was immediately put into training for a new service and expected to come out of it an "expert" who could help others who had gone through the SAME training but needed extra help. I was struggling physically and mentally after a battle for my life and now I had to learn something new AND be an expert ? Are you kidding me ?!?!?! Let me tell you something. "Chemo Brain" is real and it was very difficult for me to learn and to cope. I went home physically and mentally exhausted every single day. No one ever asked me how I was feeling. I guess it didn't matter. I don't feel that I did a good job for a long time and although I did finally become that "expert" it left me with some emotional scars that I still carry. I think I've lightened the load on myself because I proved that I can learn and excel when the playing field is level. This time around I had my health and a higher level of support ! The end result might be an extra 15 pounds but I feel like I've come through this into a better place. I know I can get the weight off and I'm actually kind of glad to have something other than work to focus on.
Last week I was on vacation and while it was a much needed break, I also got myself into food trouble a few times. The Sunday before Christmas the family got together to bake cookies at my older sisters house. We had a lot of fun and my mom was happy to hand over the hard work and just enjoy the day. I picked up pasta, soup and salad at Olive Garden so we didn't have to worry about dinner in the midst of cookie baking. It was a hit with everyone so it might be a new tradition ! I ate way too many cookies that day ! Monday I stayed home, Tuesday I had my car serviced and had fun at the casino with mom. I brought home some extra $$$ that day ! Wednesday I stayed home on the couch (story to follow) and Thursday I met my older sister and my mom for breakfast at a local diner and a trip to Wegman's. Mom and I headed to DQ as I had to pick up an ice cream cake for Christmas dinner while my sister went off to run her own errands. We had mini blizzards at DQ and then headed to Point Place casino. We had the dinner special of chicken and biscuits and I celebrated a BIG win with a large caramel macchiato and a huge peanut butter cookie. Christmas Eve was spent with my brother and his wife. We had appetizers and enjoyed a game of Phase 10. Christmas Day the entire family gathered at my older sisters house for turkey and lasagna. Food was fabulous and we had a wonderful day. Sunday I spent the day at home enjoying the very last day of my 9 day break. It was a busy but enjoyable 9 days !
Some red flags popped up during my vacation. As I mentioned, last Tuesday mom and I went to Turning Stone casino. We had dinner at Pino Bianco and I went all out .. cocktail, soup, chicken francaise, bread, dessert (creme brulee) and cappuccino. When I got home I had a bunch of Christmas cookies before bed. Then I woke up during the night not feeling well. This is not the first time I've done this to myself. I over-ate rich food and sweets and the excess fat and carbs pretty much sent my body into shock. This is why I was up half the night and spent Wednesday on the couch. Well .. then I stuffed myself again on Christmas Eve. Too many shrimp (they were so good) and too much of the sausage bread my sister in law made (also delicious) .. along with too much of the rye bread dip. As if that wasn't enough ... I stuffed myself with mint chocolate chip ice cream before bed. Again I woke up during the night not feeling well. You know you're in trouble when you wish you could throw up. Oh .. and did I mention I also drank a whole bottle of wine ? Granted it was over a 7 hour period, but still !!! I did better on Christmas Day. I did have a couple cocktails and a few cookies but I didn't stuff myself, nor did I eat anything when I got home. I wish I could say I've learned my lesson but again, I don't have that level of confidence in myself right now.
So yesterday was the start of the journey back. I followed Nutrisystem 100% but I didn't exercise. I wanted to catch up some at work so I worked through lunch and long past 5. That was the last time I'll be doing that. Today I took my lunch and spent 31 minutes on the treadmill. I worked until 6 but I also ate dinner between 5 & 6 and got myself back on the treadmill just after 6 for another 28 minutes. This is going to be my new schedule on work days. No more working through my lunch and no more working until 8 or 9 pm. I was 100% compliant with Nutrisystem today too and I've started logging what I eat again. It's a step in the right direction.
Breakfast was 150 calorie pancakes with sugar free syrup and an 80 calorie yogurt. Morning snack was a 120 calorie chocolate protein shake with peanut butter powder. Lunch was a 220 calorie pepperoni pizza melt with a chef salad. Afternoon snack was 1/2 cup of cottage cheese (80 calories) and 2 oatmeal cookies (90 calories). Dinner was a 250 calorie meatloaf sandwich with roasted veggies. Evening snack was a 140 calorie lemon zest cake. Total calories for the day are 1130 and I'm working on increasing my water consumption !
I haven't spent much time on social media over the past few months and honestly, I don't miss it. I'm honored that some folks have missed my posts and with any luck I'll have more time to interact and more to share ! My silence started because I was spending all my time working but lately the silence has been all about the spiral with my diet and exercise. I tend to internalize and withdraw when things are not going well and I've been in that dark place for a while. I've actually been trying to get my diet and exercise back on track for some time but it was no easy task and I've been starting and stopping for weeks. It's been pretty frustrating. I ended up deciding to stop worrying about it until after the holidays and that helped. It's kind of appropriate since I started Nutrisystem 3 years ago after the holidays. So here am I .. 3 years later .. I lost 158 pounds .. gained 15 and now I'm going back to work to get them off ! I have to admit .. it's just as scary because my confidence is shaken. It's my own fault because I'm my own worst enemy. So I'm back to one day at a time.
I was thinking tonight about iFit trainer Tommy Rivs. He fought a monster battle with cancer and he is now filming a new series with iFit ! Cancer dragged him to the edge of death just before COVID exploded in 2020 and when he emerged from cancer's grip early this year he went right to work fighting his way back. He wasn't expected to live and I never in a million years thought I'd ever see him on iFit again ... yet here he is ! So I'm drawing some inspiration from him. I'm telling myself to look at what he's gone through and where he is now. It makes my little struggles seem pretty insignificant and it makes my excuses not to exercise pretty lame. So we'll see what I can accomplish !
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