Day 416: Finding Peace

"If you cannot find peace within

 yourself, you will never find it

 anywhere else."   ~Marvin Gaye~

I never thought I'd have peace in my life again. I've been through cancer, I've been through an abusive marriage, I've been through the loss of 5 dogs and 5 cats, I've been through difficult financial times, I've been through a house fire, I've been through a broken wrist, and I've been through the closure of my office. For years every time life seemed a little bit brighter something would happen to shatter that, so I was pretty much always waiting for the next disaster. It got to the point where I couldn't enjoy anything in my life and I think that's when I started walling off my emotions. If you don't allow yourself to feel happiness then nothing can happen to take it away from you. Once I was widowed in 2014 life started to get better but it was not without its challenges. I had to say goodbye to 3 dogs between 2014 and 2017. I also said goodbye to 4 cats between 2017 and 2019. I had a fire in my home in 2017. I spent weeks in a cast after breaking my wrist 2 months after the fire. When you look at these incidents singly, they're not so bad. The problem is when they come one right after the other. You start to wonder if life is ever going to just get better and stay better. It seems like there will always be ups and downs but it finally feels like things are settling down. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I feel better able to cope with whatever comes next. I was declared cancer free in 2010 and although it's always in the back of my mind I don't worry about that anymore. Being so focused on losing weight and getting fit has kept me from spending too much time worrying about the things I can't control, such as the fate of my job. The more financially fit I get, the less losing my job worries me. Do I want to start over at my age ? No, but I will if I have to. After all, I wasn't sure I could lose the weight "at my age" but I have. Over the years I always told myself that no matter how hard my life got there was always someone else who was dealing with more. That helped me get through many days and I still think about that when life throws me a curve ball. I do feel peace in my life now and that is the best feeling.

Breakfast was a 2.1 ounce 180 calorie cinnamon roll. Power fuel was a 5.3 ounce 80 calorie Light & Fit creme brulee yogurt. Morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack and dinner were all rolled in to one because I was out for the day. Mom and I had dinner at Point Place casino and I got the veggie burger I'd been craving ! I also had some fries but balanced out the carbs by not eating any of the bun. Evening snack was a 2.2 ounce 140 calorie lemon zest cake. I can't really count my calories accurately so I'm just going with 1200. I only got 32 ounces of water in.

As I mentioned, mom and I had dinner at Point Place. I needed to go to Walmart and mom needed a few things too so I picked her up and we did our shopping first. We had a nice time at the casino and I left with the same amount of money that I arrived with, so that is always a plus ! As much as I didn't want to, I forced myself to get on the treadmill when I got home. I completed #23 of 23 in the Mount Kilimanjaro series with Jake Norton. This was a recovery walk so there was no incline and the pace was 2.7 mph for the entire workout. I really enjoyed this series and look forward to doing it again. Today I logged 1.5 miles, almost 34 minutes and 150 calories. I did not get on the Total Gym as it was too late in the evening and honestly, I was tired.

On that note, it's time for bed ! Tomorrow is a work at home day but I still have to be up by 7.